It's a standard greeting: "How are you?" with a standard reply: "Fine." We don't expect more of a response when we ask it, and probably are afraid to give a truthful answer. I know I am. Lately my truly honest answer to "How are you?" is "Oh I'm a weepy hot mess, thank you for asking."
God blessed me with a few friends that get to receive my honest answers, and for some of them it won't even be censored based on when & where! I ran into my lifelong BFF (seriously, since we were 1 year old) in the front aisle of Target the week before thanksgiving. In front of a poor sweet newly hired cashier, our exchange went something like,
"Are you ready for Thanksgiving?"
"Ugh, not really. I'm really just freaking annoyed with it. My husband's dead, Target is opening at 9 AND my brother's not wanting to do dinner until 4 o'clock. That's all too much damn change for me. Stupid, I know, but we usually do dinner around 1. Dane's gone, black Friday is starting on Thursday AND we're changing the time we eat?! I'm sorry, I know I'm a brat, but that's just past my freaking tolerance for change."
"Well, you can come have dinner with us. We are doing dinner at 1:00 and everyone is invited as long as they're not related to me! We're doing a friends thanksgiving this year."
"That sounds perfect! If stuff is going to be different, I think we might as well just change it all and do everything differently. What do I bring?"
..And it was perfect. We had a wonderful, fun and relaxed meal with a mix of new and old friends. I've realized there isn't as big of a gaping hole in different. We did go to our traditional family gathering at 4 o'clock and I of course felt Mr. 1inamillion's absence, but not as great had that been our only holiday meal. I did black Friday shopping on Thursday with my sister and two nieces and the following Saturday we did family pictures. I brought along the dog pack, because again there isn't as big of a gaping hole in different. They are my greatest source of joy & distraction. Thankfully our photographer is another dear friend God gave me that welcomes my honesty and chaos.
In my mindset of 'might as well just change everything' I also changed up my meds. I saw my doctor the day before Thanksgiving and decided to try something different for my Fibromyalgia. My current med plus my tendency to eat my feelings over the last two years has brought on an extra 25 pounds. According to my doc, really my only hope of losing weight is to go completely off the medicine. Awesome. So I wanted to try the newest fibro drug, which means also going off the antidepressants I had been taking. Oh, and my previous birth control pills apparently were causing blood clots for alot of patients so that had to change too. Sure, might as well just change it all. Everything is different anyway, let's just get it all over with now.
So...holidays+dead husband+altering meds+fluctuating hormones=1 weepy hot mess. Lesson learned.
Many of my tears are not just the sadness of losing Mr. 1inamillion. I think Christmas is truly resonating with me more now than ever. It is because of Christ that I know that all is okay. The birth of a savior is why we hold comfort in heaven and everlasting life. It is the first offering of grace and forgiveness. It is why we have joy much deeper and beyond our circumstances and hope of new future. I am overwhelmed by it.
This morning in Sunday school, with a group that could also receive my honest answers, we were talking about giving up the idea of a perfect Christmas and how difficult this season can be for those of us suffering divorce, the loss of a loved one, a job loss or other hardships. Some find it too hard to celebrate. I was too overwhelmed with tears, but what I wanted to say is that amidst this grief I am also feeling greater joy and a greater desire to celebrate the birth of our Savior. It is fulfillment in God's promise, a reminder of his love and plans for a hope and a future for us. It is because of God's gift of His son that we can stand 'joyful in hope, remain patient in our affliction and stay faithful in prayer.'
We spoke about the cross in our class last Wednesday. We talked about the crucifixion and how Jesus even questioned the plan, asking to skip it. That took me back to my many prayers for heart attacks. I was terrified of hospice. Didn't think I could do it. Couldn't watch Mr. 1inamillion suffer and die.
I left Wednesday's class thinking about how grateful I am for hospice. I am grateful for the final days, seeing him linger between here and heaven. I have never doubted, but am so very glad to have seen him see it. The cancer in his brain left him not fully aware of what was happening here, so we didn't really get a goodbye from him but he did say he was going to heaven. We knew he was seeing people that we weren't. There was a huge smile on his face when asked if he sees Jesus. And of course there was the dog. It was the saddest and most beautiful time.
Not long after arriving home from Wednesday's class I read that Dane's young cancer buddy was now in her final days. She has been in the children's hospital in KC for many months, in ICU for far too long. Taylor's body would not recover and she was done fighting. She is in respiratory failure and saying her goodbyes to family and dear friends. It is devastating for all of us here, but she is ready for her final reward and knows her grandparents are waiting for her.
I have cried many tears in the last few days for her family. I have cried for my own loss as well. My chest physically aches for them. I have wanted so desperately for them not to have our hurts too. I am also grateful that she is so wise beyond her years and is confident in what awaits her. She has set such an example for our community with her faith and fearless nature. The rally of her classmates and our town is incredibly touching. I am praying for her parents and her sister, as well as the many friends that will be left behind and thanking God that they have these final moments with her.
I left Wednesday's class thinking about how grateful I am for hospice. I am grateful for the final days, seeing him linger between here and heaven. I have never doubted, but am so very glad to have seen him see it. The cancer in his brain left him not fully aware of what was happening here, so we didn't really get a goodbye from him but he did say he was going to heaven. We knew he was seeing people that we weren't. There was a huge smile on his face when asked if he sees Jesus. And of course there was the dog. It was the saddest and most beautiful time.
Not long after arriving home from Wednesday's class I read that Dane's young cancer buddy was now in her final days. She has been in the children's hospital in KC for many months, in ICU for far too long. Taylor's body would not recover and she was done fighting. She is in respiratory failure and saying her goodbyes to family and dear friends. It is devastating for all of us here, but she is ready for her final reward and knows her grandparents are waiting for her.
I have cried many tears in the last few days for her family. I have cried for my own loss as well. My chest physically aches for them. I have wanted so desperately for them not to have our hurts too. I am also grateful that she is so wise beyond her years and is confident in what awaits her. She has set such an example for our community with her faith and fearless nature. The rally of her classmates and our town is incredibly touching. I am praying for her parents and her sister, as well as the many friends that will be left behind and thanking God that they have these final moments with her.
It's a boy and other little updates
There have been a lot of changes happening around the 1inamillion household over the last several weeks.
I've said goodbye to some very special friends as they moved away. On the same weekend, even. Leaving me pretty emotional. One, thankfully, only moved a few hours away. She is someone who lost her husband when they were young, with five year old twins and pregnant. She is the one friend with whom I can most identify and has helped me face my fears, and then my reality. She's a massage therapist who was a critical part of Mr. 1inamillion's care team, helping him manage his pain. The other was also instrumental in caring for Dane. He is war vet who has survived a somewhat insane list of injuries, has MS, heart disease and lets all of it slow him down just a teeny tiny bit. He chauffeured Mr. 1inamillion to and from appointments in St. Louis and helped encourage and counsel each of us as no one else could.
Their moves have hit me in a weird way. The changes are great for each of them and that makes me happy. I know that months ago losing them would have been devastating to my sanity and our ability to continue on as we did. I am so amazed and grateful at how God gives us exactly the right people at exactly the right time, as well as give us exactly the right opportunities at exactly the right time. I will miss them both tons, but am okay with saying goodbye. That in itself brings a weird kind of sadness.
Other changes have sort of been my own doing. Apparently you're not supposed to make any big decisions, big purchases or big changes during the first year of grieving. It's what I read in one of those 'how to be a widow' books and I think my therapist had even mentioned it.
Oops.
I bought a minivan. I know, I was soooo excited to get rid of the minivan in 2009. No one wants to drive a minivan. I remember being asked to choose service options at the trusted repair shop in Mayberry one time and responding with, "Dude. It's a minivan. I really don't care, just do as little as you have to." And after driving it for five years, I still couldn't park it. Things 1 and 2, however, are growing, getting louder and making every attempt they can to kill each other. I just needed them further away from my head and each other. Each salesperson did the 'so what are you looking for?' and I responded with, 'probably a minivan. I love my Escape, but I need my kids further away from my head and each other'. So I am back to cruising a minivan and I still suck at parking it.
The minivan really isn't that big of deal. I just thought I'd lead with a small one for you.
Beyond expanding the vehicle, I have expanded the family. Not another dog...but that is probably just because we live in town and we're at the limit. The 1inamillion house is actually now home to a 16 year old boy and I am officially his legal guardian (for real, people think I am that trustworthy). He is one of my niece's best friends so he's been a part of the extended family we choose and needed some stability (for real, people think I am that stable).
It's a big change that you might think I'd seek a lot of counsel on, but I intentionally did not. Sometimes the opinions and advice of others are noisy and make it difficult to hear the whispering voice of God. I wanted to clearly hear the whisper of God on this one. I did ask Things 1 and 2 on multiple occasions and each time they were all for it. The last time I asked Lucy she said, "why do you keep asking us that? Braden moving in with us is not that big of a deal. It's just Braden." Well, it kind of is a big deal, but okay. It just makes perfect sense to me, too. I also asked my 25 year old bonus daughter (Dane's oldest), because who could be a better judge of my taking in a bonus kid? If I remember correctly, she said it was crazy and awesome and of course I would be awesome at taking care of a teenager. (Made this wicked stepmother's heart swell and an eye tear.) She also laughed and asked what Grandpa thought. I told her I think he thinks I'm crazy, but he raised us to be this kind of crazy so it's totally his own fault.
Honestly, I KNOW it takes a village to successfully raise kids. I've been so dependent on Gabe and Lucy's over the challenging years we've had. I am blessed and grateful to be able to play a key role in another village. We love him, we want him and we have chosen him to be included in our family. Again I am grateful for the way God gives us exactly the right people at exactly the right time and gives us exactly the right opportunities at exactly the right time.
Part of the delay in this blog post was that I did feel there were some other people who should not learn I have a new bonus son and things 1 & 2 happily have a new big brother via the internet. So yesterday I called my mother-in-law and then my brother to say 'hey, I have a teenager. It's a boy!'. I am sure there will be other friends and family who think they should have gotten a phone call, too, but I've had thing 3 for about a month and my big brother didn't even know yet. I'm sorry, but I'm horrible about calling so seriously, It's either the blog or a very curious Christmas photo. So....
I've said goodbye to some very special friends as they moved away. On the same weekend, even. Leaving me pretty emotional. One, thankfully, only moved a few hours away. She is someone who lost her husband when they were young, with five year old twins and pregnant. She is the one friend with whom I can most identify and has helped me face my fears, and then my reality. She's a massage therapist who was a critical part of Mr. 1inamillion's care team, helping him manage his pain. The other was also instrumental in caring for Dane. He is war vet who has survived a somewhat insane list of injuries, has MS, heart disease and lets all of it slow him down just a teeny tiny bit. He chauffeured Mr. 1inamillion to and from appointments in St. Louis and helped encourage and counsel each of us as no one else could.
Their moves have hit me in a weird way. The changes are great for each of them and that makes me happy. I know that months ago losing them would have been devastating to my sanity and our ability to continue on as we did. I am so amazed and grateful at how God gives us exactly the right people at exactly the right time, as well as give us exactly the right opportunities at exactly the right time. I will miss them both tons, but am okay with saying goodbye. That in itself brings a weird kind of sadness.
Other changes have sort of been my own doing. Apparently you're not supposed to make any big decisions, big purchases or big changes during the first year of grieving. It's what I read in one of those 'how to be a widow' books and I think my therapist had even mentioned it.
Oops.
I bought a minivan. I know, I was soooo excited to get rid of the minivan in 2009. No one wants to drive a minivan. I remember being asked to choose service options at the trusted repair shop in Mayberry one time and responding with, "Dude. It's a minivan. I really don't care, just do as little as you have to." And after driving it for five years, I still couldn't park it. Things 1 and 2, however, are growing, getting louder and making every attempt they can to kill each other. I just needed them further away from my head and each other. Each salesperson did the 'so what are you looking for?' and I responded with, 'probably a minivan. I love my Escape, but I need my kids further away from my head and each other'. So I am back to cruising a minivan and I still suck at parking it.
The minivan really isn't that big of deal. I just thought I'd lead with a small one for you.
Beyond expanding the vehicle, I have expanded the family. Not another dog...but that is probably just because we live in town and we're at the limit. The 1inamillion house is actually now home to a 16 year old boy and I am officially his legal guardian (for real, people think I am that trustworthy). He is one of my niece's best friends so he's been a part of the extended family we choose and needed some stability (for real, people think I am that stable).
It's a big change that you might think I'd seek a lot of counsel on, but I intentionally did not. Sometimes the opinions and advice of others are noisy and make it difficult to hear the whispering voice of God. I wanted to clearly hear the whisper of God on this one. I did ask Things 1 and 2 on multiple occasions and each time they were all for it. The last time I asked Lucy she said, "why do you keep asking us that? Braden moving in with us is not that big of a deal. It's just Braden." Well, it kind of is a big deal, but okay. It just makes perfect sense to me, too. I also asked my 25 year old bonus daughter (Dane's oldest), because who could be a better judge of my taking in a bonus kid? If I remember correctly, she said it was crazy and awesome and of course I would be awesome at taking care of a teenager. (Made this wicked stepmother's heart swell and an eye tear.) She also laughed and asked what Grandpa thought. I told her I think he thinks I'm crazy, but he raised us to be this kind of crazy so it's totally his own fault.
Honestly, I KNOW it takes a village to successfully raise kids. I've been so dependent on Gabe and Lucy's over the challenging years we've had. I am blessed and grateful to be able to play a key role in another village. We love him, we want him and we have chosen him to be included in our family. Again I am grateful for the way God gives us exactly the right people at exactly the right time and gives us exactly the right opportunities at exactly the right time.
Part of the delay in this blog post was that I did feel there were some other people who should not learn I have a new bonus son and things 1 & 2 happily have a new big brother via the internet. So yesterday I called my mother-in-law and then my brother to say 'hey, I have a teenager. It's a boy!'. I am sure there will be other friends and family who think they should have gotten a phone call, too, but I've had thing 3 for about a month and my big brother didn't even know yet. I'm sorry, but I'm horrible about calling so seriously, It's either the blog or a very curious Christmas photo. So....
It's a boy!
5 feet, 9 inches and 160 lbs
We are excited & blessed to announce the arrival of Thing 3
Please join us in welcoming him to the 1inamillion family
Prayer Request
Will you please join me in praying for our young friend Taylor? She is Mr. 1inamillion's little cancer buddy. She is part of our church family and has been battling leukemia for a few years and they grew close through their fight. She is really struggling right now, and honestly I am struggling with her struggle. My attempts at prayer result in sobs and anger.
When I think about her, I cry. I haven't been able to visit because I am certain I will crumble to tears. My prayer for her starts with crying, then leads to pleading, then leads to an angry outburst. Cancer treatments are discussed in odds and percentages in success rates, so in my mind Taylor should have a great outcome. We lost my husband, so we should get to keep Taylor. Period. You don't get her too. You just don't.
Yesterday she was moved to ICU with lungs full of fluid and a scary forecast. I sobbed and cried to God, then got angry with God and then began with crazy wifely threats (because threatening someone in heaven makes perfect sense)....
DANE! You protect our girl. If you are standing on the otherside for her, then so help me, it better be to body-block that damn gate and send her fifteen-year-old butt back down here! We need a victory. That family deserves a victory! Your kids should see a victory!
Please God, I want a victory over cancer.
This morning her Mom posted that things looked much better than last night as her lungs looked clearer. Still critical, but stabilizing. I'm still sobbing my prayers, crying out to God and threatening my dead husband today. So clearly I'm not yet stable. Without a doubt, I believe in the power of prayer. Therefore it might certainly be helpful for a few more folks less damaged then me to pray for Taylor as well.
When I think about her, I cry. I haven't been able to visit because I am certain I will crumble to tears. My prayer for her starts with crying, then leads to pleading, then leads to an angry outburst. Cancer treatments are discussed in odds and percentages in success rates, so in my mind Taylor should have a great outcome. We lost my husband, so we should get to keep Taylor. Period. You don't get her too. You just don't.
Yesterday she was moved to ICU with lungs full of fluid and a scary forecast. I sobbed and cried to God, then got angry with God and then began with crazy wifely threats (because threatening someone in heaven makes perfect sense)....
DANE! You protect our girl. If you are standing on the otherside for her, then so help me, it better be to body-block that damn gate and send her fifteen-year-old butt back down here! We need a victory. That family deserves a victory! Your kids should see a victory!
Please God, I want a victory over cancer.
This morning her Mom posted that things looked much better than last night as her lungs looked clearer. Still critical, but stabilizing. I'm still sobbing my prayers, crying out to God and threatening my dead husband today. So clearly I'm not yet stable. Without a doubt, I believe in the power of prayer. Therefore it might certainly be helpful for a few more folks less damaged then me to pray for Taylor as well.
meet & greet
My biggest struggle lately has been missing him. And honestly my struggle that lies in missing him... really is that I haven't.
I have felt disconnected from the friends and family around us that grieve for Mr. 1inamillion because I don't. I have felt like the friend they just lost, I lost piece by piece over the last five years. Sarcoma had already robbed me of my husband, my partner. The person I lost on June 14th was my charge, my patient. I've been a caretaker, not a wife and not much of my Dane was still there. I wasn't burdened by grief that day. In a big way, I was finally set free.
I've been waiting for it to hit me, for something to happen that would bring back memories of my husband and not just memories of the man for which I've been responsible. I've been stretching back, trying to grasp something to put me in touch with the sadness that has loomed just out of reach. Today it finally happened.
Andy Griffith died.
I actually smiled when I read the sad news, IMMEDIATELY envisioning Mr. 1inamillion in a meet & greet line waiting for Andy Griffith. Then I cried, I think for the first time since actually leaving the hospital. Artist meet & greets were one of his favorite parts of the job, and it was HIM that I imagined, not the sarcoma patient.
In my fifteen years married to country radio, I had grown to consider a meet & greet line similar to herding cattle, but Dane did it for over thirty years and still loved it. Before or after concerts, radio personalities, contest winners and often fan club members have a chance to get a very quick autograph and photo with the artist. We stand in line and wait as a road manager or PR rep prods everyone through with Nashville charm. I was over it a long time ago, but he always really enjoyed the quick greeting and photo opportunity. Many of our pictures together have someone else in between us.
He also really loved TVLand and we watched a lot of the Andy Griffith show. I imagine he had something clever to say to him. Maybe about Mayberry, but I would bet it was more than likely a sarcastic comment about waiting on me (but in my defense, Mr. 1inamillion was always in a big freaking hurry).
I have felt disconnected from the friends and family around us that grieve for Mr. 1inamillion because I don't. I have felt like the friend they just lost, I lost piece by piece over the last five years. Sarcoma had already robbed me of my husband, my partner. The person I lost on June 14th was my charge, my patient. I've been a caretaker, not a wife and not much of my Dane was still there. I wasn't burdened by grief that day. In a big way, I was finally set free.
I've been waiting for it to hit me, for something to happen that would bring back memories of my husband and not just memories of the man for which I've been responsible. I've been stretching back, trying to grasp something to put me in touch with the sadness that has loomed just out of reach. Today it finally happened.
Andy Griffith died.
I actually smiled when I read the sad news, IMMEDIATELY envisioning Mr. 1inamillion in a meet & greet line waiting for Andy Griffith. Then I cried, I think for the first time since actually leaving the hospital. Artist meet & greets were one of his favorite parts of the job, and it was HIM that I imagined, not the sarcoma patient.
In my fifteen years married to country radio, I had grown to consider a meet & greet line similar to herding cattle, but Dane did it for over thirty years and still loved it. Before or after concerts, radio personalities, contest winners and often fan club members have a chance to get a very quick autograph and photo with the artist. We stand in line and wait as a road manager or PR rep prods everyone through with Nashville charm. I was over it a long time ago, but he always really enjoyed the quick greeting and photo opportunity. Many of our pictures together have someone else in between us.
He also really loved TVLand and we watched a lot of the Andy Griffith show. I imagine he had something clever to say to him. Maybe about Mayberry, but I would bet it was more than likely a sarcastic comment about waiting on me (but in my defense, Mr. 1inamillion was always in a big freaking hurry).
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