It's a standard greeting: "How are you?" with a standard reply: "Fine." We don't expect more of a response when we ask it, and probably are afraid to give a truthful answer. I know I am. Lately my truly honest answer to "How are you?" is "Oh I'm a weepy hot mess, thank you for asking."
God blessed me with a few friends that get to receive my honest answers, and for some of them it won't even be censored based on when & where! I ran into my lifelong BFF (seriously, since we were 1 year old) in the front aisle of Target the week before thanksgiving. In front of a poor sweet newly hired cashier, our exchange went something like,
"Are you ready for Thanksgiving?"
"Ugh, not really. I'm really just freaking annoyed with it. My husband's dead, Target is opening at 9 AND my brother's not wanting to do dinner until 4 o'clock. That's all too much damn change for me. Stupid, I know, but we usually do dinner around 1. Dane's gone, black Friday is starting on Thursday AND we're changing the time we eat?! I'm sorry, I know I'm a brat, but that's just past my freaking tolerance for change."
"Well, you can come have dinner with us. We are doing dinner at 1:00 and everyone is invited as long as they're not related to me! We're doing a friends thanksgiving this year."
"That sounds perfect! If stuff is going to be different, I think we might as well just change it all and do everything differently. What do I bring?"
..And it was perfect. We had a wonderful, fun and relaxed meal with a mix of new and old friends. I've realized there isn't as big of a gaping hole in different. We did go to our traditional family gathering at 4 o'clock and I of course felt Mr. 1inamillion's absence, but not as great had that been our only holiday meal. I did black Friday shopping on Thursday with my sister and two nieces and the following Saturday we did family pictures. I brought along the dog pack, because again there isn't as big of a gaping hole in different. They are my greatest source of joy & distraction. Thankfully our photographer is another dear friend God gave me that welcomes my honesty and chaos.
In my mindset of 'might as well just change everything' I also changed up my meds. I saw my doctor the day before Thanksgiving and decided to try something different for my Fibromyalgia. My current med plus my tendency to eat my feelings over the last two years has brought on an extra 25 pounds. According to my doc, really my only hope of losing weight is to go completely off the medicine. Awesome. So I wanted to try the newest fibro drug, which means also going off the antidepressants I had been taking. Oh, and my previous birth control pills apparently were causing blood clots for alot of patients so that had to change too. Sure, might as well just change it all. Everything is different anyway, let's just get it all over with now.
So...holidays+dead husband+altering meds+fluctuating hormones=1 weepy hot mess. Lesson learned.
Many of my tears are not just the sadness of losing Mr. 1inamillion. I think Christmas is truly resonating with me more now than ever. It is because of Christ that I know that all is okay. The birth of a savior is why we hold comfort in heaven and everlasting life. It is the first offering of grace and forgiveness. It is why we have joy much deeper and beyond our circumstances and hope of new future. I am overwhelmed by it.
This morning in Sunday school, with a group that could also receive my honest answers, we were talking about giving up the idea of a perfect Christmas and how difficult this season can be for those of us suffering divorce, the loss of a loved one, a job loss or other hardships. Some find it too hard to celebrate. I was too overwhelmed with tears, but what I wanted to say is that amidst this grief I am also feeling greater joy and a greater desire to celebrate the birth of our Savior. It is fulfillment in God's promise, a reminder of his love and plans for a hope and a future for us. It is because of God's gift of His son that we can stand 'joyful in hope, remain patient in our affliction and stay faithful in prayer.'
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