to the vet we go

So I've been feeling a little lost outside of the caretaker role and yesterday I considered just rolling through the Walgreens' drive-thru to say hello.  Maybe swinging into a waiting room for a bit to peruse five year old magazines. 

This morning I awoke at 1:30 AM to the sound, and smell, of a sick puppy.  Again.  Brody was sick in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday too.  He acts like he feels fine but is having continued tummy trouble so off to the vet we went and we waited.  And waited.  He is a completely adorable, loveable, sweet baby boy who took the opportunity to steal the hearts of everyone there.  Mr. 1inamillion always chatted up and made friends with the receptionists, too.  I was feeling quite at home, but after 45 minutes I asked one of the girls if they were just back there doing rock, paper, scissors to determine who has to deal with me.  She assured me they were just busy with surgeries and that she'd get one of them up in there in just a few minutes which she did. 

Brody of course won the losing vet over as soon as he came in.  I was really fearing parvo, but he didn't think that is the case as Brodilicious still looks and acts like he feels well.  I explained anyway that we can't do parvo.  We just lost our boxer and my husband just died so we can't have parvo.  He agreed that no, we can't have parvo and assured me he didn't think that's the case, silently cursing his choice of scissors.  He thought it was a common parasite (I'll call for test results in the morning) and then proceeded to make certain we covered all our bases to get the boy better.  We left there with four prescriptions and a new bag of food that's supposed to be gentle on tender tummies. 

So now I am dishing out medicine to a dog (3 pills two times a day and a liquid medicine once a day) and sadly feeling a bit more normal.  Of course I do know it's my normal, not normal normal.  And I know that it's my previous normal at that.  And I know I'll find the new one eventually.



He's stinkin' cute, huh?!

forgetting something

Do you ever walk into a room looking for something and can't remember what it was?  That is my constant state right now.  I am in a constant state of 'I know I'm forgetting something, but what?'  I am keeping a to do list and checking it twice, but it seems like there is a lot I'm forgetting to add to the list.

I am just feeling very odd, very off balance.  I guess a sudden loss of 200 pounds will do that to a person.

We are trying to establish new normal this week.  I am back to work this week with short days.  Short days to ease my separation anxiety from Things 1 & 2 and because I sit at my desk and can't remember exactly what it is that I am supposed to be doing.  Next week begins a new round of system testing, which is at the core of my job for the last six years.  My hope is that muscle memory will just take over.

I am not one to wish I knew the future.  I am quite certain that had I known years ago what lied ahead, I would have run for the freakin' hills.  Right now, though, I would like to know how long it will take before I don't feel like he's just missing in action, instead of really gone?

The day the Lord has made

"Today is the day that the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it."  This is what I am reciting in my head this morning.  This is what I recite in my head nearly every morning that leads into a day I dread.  Today is the day that the Lord has made and it is the day that we put Mr. 1inamillion's ashes to rest. 

To be honest, this has been somewhere in the back of my head for nearly fourteen and a half years.  Tomorrow will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary, and October will be fifteen years since they found the first sarcoma.  I basically went from planning a wedding to wondering about a funeral.  Surely I'm not the only one that starts to wonder about funerals and death at diagnosis.  Perhaps I am, though.  I've spent the last few days laughing as much as, if not more than, I've cried and thinking that maybe....just maybe, I'm just not right. 

There will be carefully selected country gospel as the prelude and postlude.  There will be fifty pictures in the slide show.  We will hear Ronnie Milsap's "What a Difference You've Made" because with over thirty years in country music, Ronnie always remained Dane's favorite.  Jars of Clay's "Valley Song" will be performed for the Big Kid, and "Long Way Home" for me and things 1 & 2.  His ashes will be buried near my mother's grave. 

I didn't give our pastor any instruction on what I wanted him to speak, just the warning that I might interrupt him if he's getting it wrong.  After all, I did interrupt the hospital chaplain's prayer.  Multiple times.  My sister in law apparently questioned if I may have lost my mind.

Before Mr. 1inamillion's body was taken from the hospital and we all left, a hospital chaplain came in to pray with us.  And he got it wrong.  Multiple times.  In my defense, I had just spent hours coaching this man that I love to heaven.  I cheered him home.  I watched him suffer for too many years and it was finally coming to an end.  I told him how much we loved him, how much he deserved it and how we would be okay.  I told him to just run to Jesus.  Hours spent encouraging him home, and this chaplain wants to go on and on about how depressed and angry we are.  No we're not.  NO, WE'RE NOT.  That will not be what we express to our Lord and Savior over my husband.

We are sad.  We are grieving for our loss, but we can't be angry.  We can't be depressed.  There will be moments, I know, but we can't sit in it.  We will not cling to that.  If we believe what Jesus promised us about heaven for Dane and we believe God's promise in Jeremiah of his plans of a hope and a future for all of us, we must be grateful for it.  We must rejoice and be glad in it. 

June

June's a big month in the 1inamillion house.  The big kid turned 25 on Friday.  Mr. 1inamillion and I would be married 15 years on the 21st.  He would turn 49 on the 27th.  And of course there is today.

The calendar had been taunting me.  All that this month holds began rolling through my mind as soon as we were told at the hospital that there were brain mets and how fast things might progress.  I wondered how quickly Dane would pass, and how it might land on the calendar amongst the special days.  Would we make it 15 years?  Would he make it to 49?  Turns out he actually knew. 

Early last week while in the hospital, he insisted to me that he was going.  When I said"'really? when are you going?", he answered "fourteenth."  I asked where he was going and he again said "fourteenth."  He told our sister-in-law he was going tomorrow, and after she asked him several times where, he whispered, "Heaven."  That conversation took place on the thirteenth. 

Today was our first 'public' outing since his passing.  I thought it might be tough facing all of the concerned friends at church on any ol' Sunday, but today is Father's Day.  I had no idea how hard it might be for Things 1 and 2.  I asked Gpa and the uncles to join us today, all but one of which don't make church a habit.  As Gabe and Lucy were being reminded it's Father's Day and their father was gone, I wanted them to also be reminded that there are men who love them bunches and are ready to stand in the gap.  I told Thing 1 this morning that they would be joining us and while no one can ever take Daddy's place, there are a lot of people who love us and will be there whenever we need them and I wanted him to know that. 

We talked this afternoon about the fact that it's kind of cool that Daddy got to spend Father's Day with his daddy for the first time in years.  Thing 1 said, "And it's ok, we got to spend Father's Day with our Father God and Grandpa."

June 14th, 2012

I always thought all dogs go to heaven, but now I know for sure.  It has been nearly two weeks since we said our goodbyes to Miss Britney.  Just thirteen days since Mr. 1inamillion told her he'd see her soon.  Little did I know when I heard that just how soon it would be. 

Yesterday a dear, dear friend sat with Dane while family took a break from the hospital.  She had been at this stage before with her own family and was familiar with how end of life progresses.  He pointed to people in the room only he could see.  She assured him they were here to help him if he'd let them.  Once he understood that, he began to relax a bit and then he began to pet a dog beside his bed.  He said to her, "Isn't she pretty?".

When family returned, he continued to pet a dog only he could see along the bed.  He motioned down beside the bed as if calling a dog, and he kept insistently telling his brother to "just put her on the bed."  They brought up a stuffed dog from the gift shop for him that he began to pet.  That with some country music comforted him and he finally relaxed into a deep sleep. 

This morning when I arrived to his bedside, he was peaceful and comfortable, although his body was working very had to continue on.  The nurse told me we were probably within hours.  I told him I needed him to give me just one last instruction and tell me if he wanted the kids there.  Thankfully, he gave me a very clear answer.  No.  His mother and I each sat on a bedside and held his hand.  I told him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how grateful I was to him for giving me Gabe and Lucy.  I told him he earned his reward in heaven, and that I just knew Jesus was standing there saying "Come on, boy.  You've earned it."  I told him he fought so hard and he shouldn't hesitate to go.  We loved him very much and would be okay.  Each of our siblings arrived and he was surrounded by family.  Thing 1 was tucked safely away at Grandpa's house, Thing 2 spending the day with surrogate Nana. 

Mr. 1inamillion made his final steps to heaven at 11:20 a.m. today.  I don't know which dog led the way.  Maybe it was Britney or maybe it was his favorite childhood pet boxer, Palonni.  I know it wasn't our precious Harley because although she and him had a very special bond, she wasn't pretty.  Maybe she was the one he wanted on the bed.  I will never know who welcomed him home, just that at least one of them was a dog.

Dane & Britney

Tuesday

My filter is broken.  If you've read much of my  blog you might remember that I have admitted to swearing like a sailor.  Today my filter is broken and I'm swearing like a sailor. 

Mr. 1inamillion has been incredibly restless.  Yesterday the doctor was concerned that he may be overly sedated so she adjusted his medications.  He still isn't struggling with physical pain, but he has been very agitated.  He's saying the expected random craziness and keeps insisting on getting up and leaving, but he seems to be getting weaker by the hour.  Today they were adding medicines to help with the delirium and said we need to wait out the adjustments.  I have spent all of my time with him these two days trying to calm him down, convince him to get back or stay in bed; basically holding him captive. 

My patience is shot, my energy is spent.  I am now at home alone in a quiet house, attempting to decompress and repair my filter.  The doctor may not deserve nice words from me now, but she ain't around and I do really love his nurse.  My husband is slipping before my eyes.  He may not be physically hurting, but he is confused and visibly uncomfortable mentally.  And it has been really pissing me off.  The nurse did speak with his doctor again and she received an okay to increase some meds to calm him.  Hopefully it works, my filter my be beyond repair today and tomorrow I will verbally have that doctor's ass for breakfast with my soy latte. 

We all have cleared out of the hospital for the afternoon, hoping he might settle down and rest.  Mr. 1inamillion is very beloved.  He has had a consistent stream of visitors which I do believe he has enjoyed.  Now, however, we think it may be contributing to his frustration and confusion as he is balancing between two realms - what's really happening around him and where his mind might be residing.  We want to keep his guests to close friends and family, just one or two at a time and see if it might help. 

I know I've been due for a filter breakdown and I know it's okay.  I do believe that God wants our honest cries.  As I searched for and watched the video I felt appropriate to include with this blog post, I fell to pieces with honest, continuous sobs. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=zOHJghBU0XA

Sunday

The last two days have been good days for Mr. 1inamillion. He had many visitors and was able to visit with most. His long term memory has remained pretty solid thus far. He started his career in radio when he was just fifteen (being the trophy wife that I am, I was just two) and I think he had a friend or coworker from darn near every station he was ever on. He has always loved what he does, so we have spent a lot of time in radio the last few days. There's been lots of memories shared about the changes over the last 30+ years, and even when he was not chatting with industry buddies, we've spent a bit of time in radio stations as his mind has wandered in his happy places.

Today has not been such a good day. He's had more dear friends and family visiting, but he has just slept most of the day. He was much more wobbly on his feet this morning and we've seen more signs of small seizures and more confusion.

He has thought we were on a cruise ship much of the last week. Yesterday he did ask me what exactly the Professor had said, telling me that it had registered. I explained it again and Mr.1inamillion asked "what if it's six months? What if I'm on this boat for six months?"

"Then we'll be very grateful for the six months."

Confession

I have a confession. I pray for heart attacks. I've prayed for heart attacks for years. Lord, please just come quickly. Please just take him home quickly and put an end to this suffering. Please, Lord, I don't want to see him hurting anymore. I can't do hospice. Please Lord, just let him have a heart attack.

I prayed for heart attacks.... and I used to feel terribly guilty about that.

It's amazing how you can read or hear the same bible stories over and over, but each time hear or grasp something different. As we studied the crucifixion this Easter the portion that grabbed me was when Jesus prayed in the garden just before they came to get him. He knew what was waiting, he knew what he had to do but he was scared and asked that this cup be passed over him. The Lord wrapped in human flesh had fear and prayed to skip the whole darn thing.

Meaning to me that Jesus basically prayed for a heart attack, too. Guilt relieved.


Of course He also prayed that God's will be done, and I did grab that as well. So I am doing my best to pray within God's will and accept this journey. Without a doubt, I still hate this and want my Mr. 1inamillion healthy or quickly home. But I will walk this path that He wants me to.


If you have a few more minutes, take a listen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GocT5SAQPNM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Friday

No blog yesterday, as Wednesday sucked me dry. Mr. 1inamillion was moved to in-patient hospice and Thing 1 came home early from camp to visit. Up until Wednesday, the hardest things I'd ever done were give birth and quit smoking. Telling Dane that the fight was over, then telling Gabe there were no more treatments to help his Daddy and what lied ahead of us completely depleted me.

Yesterday they changed up pain meds so Mr. 1inamillion had a much better day. He rested well, visited with family, friends and slept through the night. He ate a bit at lunch, the first in days. This morning he had some breakfast and was up visiting with a dear friend when I arrived.

Today I had a slow start. I sat and enjoyed my first cup of coffee with my mother-in-law then got in a workout. Before I walked and ran the dogs, I got in a quick yoga practice. The day is always better when I start my day at the top of the mat and the foot of the Savior. It's impossible for me to be single focused, so my best prayer time is when my body is in motion. They say that when the body is moving the mind is still and open. Prayer is a two way conversation, we've got to remember to stop pleading and talking over God all the time. This morning after my mind was still and open, my prayer on the mat is that we'd be surrounded with the right words and in the absence of the right words there would be just quiet. May we speak and hear only the right words today and otherwise simply be quiet.

Since I've arrived in Mr. 1imamillion's room, he's been awake and in conversation. He asked me when he'd get to go home and again I said he would not be going home. Again I took the deep breath and explained the cancer matastisized to his brain and the Professor said for them to keep him here to care for him and manage his pain. Thing 2 is on her way home from camp with Aunt Shel so soon I will be delivering the same message for the first time to her eight year old ears.

I am so thankful I started my day at the top of the mat and the foot of the Savior. I know I would have no right words without it.

Wednesday

The Professor made it safely back to St. Louis yesterday and after speaking with the local radiology oncologist he called me and said we're done. The radiation would buy no quality of life and once there are brain mets there won't be a good outcome. He always promised Dane he'd be honest and tell us when there is nothing more he can do, and there is nothing more he can do. He called me just as they were pushing to schedule radiation and the moment he said we're done, I dropped to my knees in relief. I knew in my heart that this was it and there was no reason to put him through the torture of it, but I just needed to hear it from one of HIS doctors. Mr. 1inamillion has had complete faith in the Professor so hearing it from him was truly a blessing to the big kid and I. The decision was no longer on our shoulders.

The Professor said there wouldn't be a good outcome, but I know that's not true. We have been on such a tough journey. I feel like we have been climbing over a mountain and have just hit that point of witnessing the beautiful valley that awaits. There's still incredibly hard terrain to make it through and we have no idea of how long, but as followers of Christ we know the promise that awaits and I feel like Mr. 1inamillion's destination is within our sights.


If you have a few more minutes, take a look at this Steven Curtis Chapman video. It's a wonderful cheerful little ditty thatjust fits right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YE4Yf4NkdrU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Tuesday

One would think that with two primary oncologists, at least one would be available. Not the case for us. Dr. McTardy is away on vacation until Monday and the Professor is at a convention but will be back in St. Louis this afternoon. So here is what I've learned from the covering oncologist and the radiology oncologist thus far;

The radiology oncologist's initial recommendation is full brain radiation. Mr. 1inamillion has a lesion at the front with lots of swelling around it, and one at the back. The lesion at the back would potentially cause coordination and balance problems which isn't an issue yet. The swelling at the front would likely be the cause of the confusion he's having but two days of steroids should have offered improvement. He suspects that cancer cells have spread to the covering of the brain and could be the culprit for the confusion. The brain covering extends to the spine, so this morning they did a lumbar puncture to see if there are cancer cells in the spinal fluid. We won't know the results until tomorrow.

Beyond the brain, Mr. 1inamillion has three tumors in his lung, one beside his heart and spots in the pelvic area. The Professor had Dane scheduled to freeze what is in the lung and near the heart in two more weeks. Hopefully I will hear from him this afternoon for his recommendation. Dr. McTardy, however, is who I really want to hear from as he has been Dane's doctor since 2007. He is also the one that suggested he stop chemo and try to really live the life God is giving him. I was in complete agreement with that, believing we'd hit a point were chemo was doing as much harm as, if not more than, the cancer. Dane wasn't happy with either one of us.

This morning he's hurting and cranky from the lumbar puncture and has been a bit of a smart ass, which are good signs that he's present with me. Yesterday we spent a lot of the day on a boat in Texas. That probably would have been fine with me had there been a pool and cocktails. I am wondering where this trip will take us today?

Through this journey I have been told countless times that I am so strong. Let me say, I am not. MY strength ran out long ago. Paul said that Lord told him, "MY grace is sufficient. MY strength is made perfect in your weakness." It wasn't that He'd give us more strength or that He wouldn't give us more than we can handle. I truly believe He does give us more than we can handle so we may learn to rely on Him. Mrs. 1inamillon's strength ran out a long time ago. I am on E, and the strength that I am running on is the Lord's. I have completely accepted that, and am a-ok knowing that I alone am not expected to handle this.

What a weekend

It's been a couple of crazy weeks for the 1inamillion family that led to quite a weekend. Miss Britney had been very sick and Mr. 1inamillion was in rough shape too. Much of my time working in the basement was spent worrying about the man and dog above me for weeks. Neither one were eating, and Dane was beginning to say increasingly far-fetched things.


I took Brit to the vet for a second stay mid-week, and after no improvement we said goodbye on Friday. It was a painful but easy decision, God fed me so many assurances that day for which I am so grateful. She was such a blessing to me for the time we had her, even with all the trouble she may have caused. I don't think I will ever be able to put into words how grateful I am for her, it's good that the Lord can interpret our every sigh.


Saturday evening Mr. Oneinamillion insisted he had an apartment in Wichita, not shocking to hear after the many off the wall things he's said over the previous two weeks...but hurtful nonetheless. So with that, I brought him into the ER. His lab work has been good, I've been in control of his meds so I have known there was something more going on. The brain CT showed some swelling and that the cancer has metastasized to his brain. He was admitted and has been in the care of our favorite nursing team. They have him on steroids to reduce the swelling and I am waiting to meet with the oncologist to discuss the recommendation of radiation.


Sunday morning, the cutest puppy picture was posted on the Kansas Humane Society website. A four month old Boxer and English Springer Spaniel mix baby boy that I just knew had to join our pack. I have been missing a four legged personal trainer, so Lucy and I called to place a hold on him, then later after a visit to Daddy in the hospital, Gabe and I picked up our new pack member named Brody. I know I may be crazy to take on a puppy in the face of brain tumors, but God packs a lot of love and joy in puppies so I welcome the distraction. I spent much of the day doing laundry and packing kids for church camp. I wasn't at the hospital much. I really enjoyed a bit of relief having Dane in the care of nurses and finally knowing what was wrong.


Today things 1 & 2 will head off for a fun week at church camp and I am at the hospital with Mr.1inamillion, waiting for doctors. Not sure what our future holds, but I do know who holds it. I am not worried, but am giving thanks. God provides and promises a great future. Thank you, Lord, for fabulous nurses, for pets who give great comfort, puppies who give great joy, friends and family for all the prayer, love and support they provide and thank you, Lord, for interpreting every sigh when there are no words.