Do you ever walk into a room looking for something and can't remember what it was? That is my constant state right now. I am in a constant state of 'I know I'm forgetting something, but what?' I am keeping a to do list and checking it twice, but it seems like there is a lot I'm forgetting to add to the list.
I am just feeling very odd, very off balance. I guess a sudden loss of 200 pounds will do that to a person.
We are trying to establish new normal this week. I am back to work this week with short days. Short days to ease my separation anxiety from Things 1 & 2 and because I sit at my desk and can't remember exactly what it is that I am supposed to be doing. Next week begins a new round of system testing, which is at the core of my job for the last six years. My hope is that muscle memory will just take over.
I am not one to wish I knew the future. I am quite certain that had I known years ago what lied ahead, I would have run for the freakin' hills. Right now, though, I would like to know how long it will take before I don't feel like he's just missing in action, instead of really gone?
Hang in there sweetie. Wish I could say time heals all wounds but that would be a lie. Day by day it will get better, then all of a sudden the simplist of things will bring it all flooding back. This time is what the last 15 years has prepared you for. The strength, courage and amazing love you have shown to and for Dane will continue to carry you through these dark days. Just don't be to strong, lean on others for a while. Don't hold it in, scream, cry, whatever you feel like at the moment. There is no time frame on how you should feel and when you should move past this, so don't let anyone tell you there is. You and the kids are in my daily prayers and I know you will come out of this more amazing than you already are.
ReplyDeleteOh Angie....Tim has been gone 11 years July 2nd and sometimes I still expect to hear him walk through the door and throw his keys on the kitchen table. That being said....it does get easier. You are in the early stages and trust me...very little of this time will you remember in a year, two years, five years. God has you in a bubble right now protecting you from outside influences (like your own emotional state). As you are ready...life will start unfolding for you again and you won't be working on auto pilot. I so know what you are going through and I so know how you feel as if you are walking in a fog and wondering what your new normal is going to be and when you are going to feel like you again. Just know if you ever need to talk...I am here. Trust me though....you are doing fine and you WILL make it through all of this...I promise!!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you.
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