My biggest struggle lately has been missing him. And honestly my struggle that lies in missing him... really is that I haven't.
I have felt disconnected from the friends and family around us that grieve for Mr. 1inamillion because I don't. I have felt like the friend they just lost, I lost piece by piece over the last five years. Sarcoma had already robbed me of my husband, my partner. The person I lost on June 14th was my charge, my patient. I've been a caretaker, not a wife and not much of my Dane was still there. I wasn't burdened by grief that day. In a big way, I was finally set free.
I've been waiting for it to hit me, for something to happen that would bring back memories of my husband and not just memories of the man for which I've been responsible. I've been stretching back, trying to grasp something to put me in touch with the sadness that has loomed just out of reach. Today it finally happened.
Andy Griffith died.
I actually smiled when I read the sad news, IMMEDIATELY envisioning Mr. 1inamillion in a meet & greet line waiting for Andy Griffith. Then I cried, I think for the first time since actually leaving the hospital. Artist meet & greets were one of his favorite parts of the job, and it was HIM that I imagined, not the sarcoma patient.
In my fifteen years married to country radio, I had grown to consider a meet & greet line similar to herding cattle, but Dane did it for over thirty years and still loved it. Before or after concerts, radio personalities, contest winners and often fan club members have a chance to get a very quick autograph and photo with the artist. We stand in line and wait as a road manager or PR rep prods everyone through with Nashville charm. I was over it a long time ago, but he always really enjoyed the quick greeting and photo opportunity. Many of our pictures together have someone else in between us.
He also really loved TVLand and we watched a lot of the Andy Griffith show. I imagine he had something clever to say to him. Maybe about Mayberry, but I would bet it was more than likely a sarcastic comment about waiting on me (but in my defense, Mr. 1inamillion was always in a big freaking hurry).
it is funny how and when things hit us. i was a caregiver to my mom with Alzheimers many years. i felt much like you described when she died. about a month later we had to put one of our dogs to sleep due to cancer and i cried my eyes out! i just finally needed to cry. take care and keep writing.
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