to the vet we go

So I've been feeling a little lost outside of the caretaker role and yesterday I considered just rolling through the Walgreens' drive-thru to say hello.  Maybe swinging into a waiting room for a bit to peruse five year old magazines. 

This morning I awoke at 1:30 AM to the sound, and smell, of a sick puppy.  Again.  Brody was sick in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday too.  He acts like he feels fine but is having continued tummy trouble so off to the vet we went and we waited.  And waited.  He is a completely adorable, loveable, sweet baby boy who took the opportunity to steal the hearts of everyone there.  Mr. 1inamillion always chatted up and made friends with the receptionists, too.  I was feeling quite at home, but after 45 minutes I asked one of the girls if they were just back there doing rock, paper, scissors to determine who has to deal with me.  She assured me they were just busy with surgeries and that she'd get one of them up in there in just a few minutes which she did. 

Brody of course won the losing vet over as soon as he came in.  I was really fearing parvo, but he didn't think that is the case as Brodilicious still looks and acts like he feels well.  I explained anyway that we can't do parvo.  We just lost our boxer and my husband just died so we can't have parvo.  He agreed that no, we can't have parvo and assured me he didn't think that's the case, silently cursing his choice of scissors.  He thought it was a common parasite (I'll call for test results in the morning) and then proceeded to make certain we covered all our bases to get the boy better.  We left there with four prescriptions and a new bag of food that's supposed to be gentle on tender tummies. 

So now I am dishing out medicine to a dog (3 pills two times a day and a liquid medicine once a day) and sadly feeling a bit more normal.  Of course I do know it's my normal, not normal normal.  And I know that it's my previous normal at that.  And I know I'll find the new one eventually.



He's stinkin' cute, huh?!

forgetting something

Do you ever walk into a room looking for something and can't remember what it was?  That is my constant state right now.  I am in a constant state of 'I know I'm forgetting something, but what?'  I am keeping a to do list and checking it twice, but it seems like there is a lot I'm forgetting to add to the list.

I am just feeling very odd, very off balance.  I guess a sudden loss of 200 pounds will do that to a person.

We are trying to establish new normal this week.  I am back to work this week with short days.  Short days to ease my separation anxiety from Things 1 & 2 and because I sit at my desk and can't remember exactly what it is that I am supposed to be doing.  Next week begins a new round of system testing, which is at the core of my job for the last six years.  My hope is that muscle memory will just take over.

I am not one to wish I knew the future.  I am quite certain that had I known years ago what lied ahead, I would have run for the freakin' hills.  Right now, though, I would like to know how long it will take before I don't feel like he's just missing in action, instead of really gone?

The day the Lord has made

"Today is the day that the Lord has made.  Let us rejoice and be glad in it."  This is what I am reciting in my head this morning.  This is what I recite in my head nearly every morning that leads into a day I dread.  Today is the day that the Lord has made and it is the day that we put Mr. 1inamillion's ashes to rest. 

To be honest, this has been somewhere in the back of my head for nearly fourteen and a half years.  Tomorrow will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary, and October will be fifteen years since they found the first sarcoma.  I basically went from planning a wedding to wondering about a funeral.  Surely I'm not the only one that starts to wonder about funerals and death at diagnosis.  Perhaps I am, though.  I've spent the last few days laughing as much as, if not more than, I've cried and thinking that maybe....just maybe, I'm just not right. 

There will be carefully selected country gospel as the prelude and postlude.  There will be fifty pictures in the slide show.  We will hear Ronnie Milsap's "What a Difference You've Made" because with over thirty years in country music, Ronnie always remained Dane's favorite.  Jars of Clay's "Valley Song" will be performed for the Big Kid, and "Long Way Home" for me and things 1 & 2.  His ashes will be buried near my mother's grave. 

I didn't give our pastor any instruction on what I wanted him to speak, just the warning that I might interrupt him if he's getting it wrong.  After all, I did interrupt the hospital chaplain's prayer.  Multiple times.  My sister in law apparently questioned if I may have lost my mind.

Before Mr. 1inamillion's body was taken from the hospital and we all left, a hospital chaplain came in to pray with us.  And he got it wrong.  Multiple times.  In my defense, I had just spent hours coaching this man that I love to heaven.  I cheered him home.  I watched him suffer for too many years and it was finally coming to an end.  I told him how much we loved him, how much he deserved it and how we would be okay.  I told him to just run to Jesus.  Hours spent encouraging him home, and this chaplain wants to go on and on about how depressed and angry we are.  No we're not.  NO, WE'RE NOT.  That will not be what we express to our Lord and Savior over my husband.

We are sad.  We are grieving for our loss, but we can't be angry.  We can't be depressed.  There will be moments, I know, but we can't sit in it.  We will not cling to that.  If we believe what Jesus promised us about heaven for Dane and we believe God's promise in Jeremiah of his plans of a hope and a future for all of us, we must be grateful for it.  We must rejoice and be glad in it. 

June

June's a big month in the 1inamillion house.  The big kid turned 25 on Friday.  Mr. 1inamillion and I would be married 15 years on the 21st.  He would turn 49 on the 27th.  And of course there is today.

The calendar had been taunting me.  All that this month holds began rolling through my mind as soon as we were told at the hospital that there were brain mets and how fast things might progress.  I wondered how quickly Dane would pass, and how it might land on the calendar amongst the special days.  Would we make it 15 years?  Would he make it to 49?  Turns out he actually knew. 

Early last week while in the hospital, he insisted to me that he was going.  When I said"'really? when are you going?", he answered "fourteenth."  I asked where he was going and he again said "fourteenth."  He told our sister-in-law he was going tomorrow, and after she asked him several times where, he whispered, "Heaven."  That conversation took place on the thirteenth. 

Today was our first 'public' outing since his passing.  I thought it might be tough facing all of the concerned friends at church on any ol' Sunday, but today is Father's Day.  I had no idea how hard it might be for Things 1 and 2.  I asked Gpa and the uncles to join us today, all but one of which don't make church a habit.  As Gabe and Lucy were being reminded it's Father's Day and their father was gone, I wanted them to also be reminded that there are men who love them bunches and are ready to stand in the gap.  I told Thing 1 this morning that they would be joining us and while no one can ever take Daddy's place, there are a lot of people who love us and will be there whenever we need them and I wanted him to know that. 

We talked this afternoon about the fact that it's kind of cool that Daddy got to spend Father's Day with his daddy for the first time in years.  Thing 1 said, "And it's ok, we got to spend Father's Day with our Father God and Grandpa."

June 14th, 2012

I always thought all dogs go to heaven, but now I know for sure.  It has been nearly two weeks since we said our goodbyes to Miss Britney.  Just thirteen days since Mr. 1inamillion told her he'd see her soon.  Little did I know when I heard that just how soon it would be. 

Yesterday a dear, dear friend sat with Dane while family took a break from the hospital.  She had been at this stage before with her own family and was familiar with how end of life progresses.  He pointed to people in the room only he could see.  She assured him they were here to help him if he'd let them.  Once he understood that, he began to relax a bit and then he began to pet a dog beside his bed.  He said to her, "Isn't she pretty?".

When family returned, he continued to pet a dog only he could see along the bed.  He motioned down beside the bed as if calling a dog, and he kept insistently telling his brother to "just put her on the bed."  They brought up a stuffed dog from the gift shop for him that he began to pet.  That with some country music comforted him and he finally relaxed into a deep sleep. 

This morning when I arrived to his bedside, he was peaceful and comfortable, although his body was working very had to continue on.  The nurse told me we were probably within hours.  I told him I needed him to give me just one last instruction and tell me if he wanted the kids there.  Thankfully, he gave me a very clear answer.  No.  His mother and I each sat on a bedside and held his hand.  I told him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how grateful I was to him for giving me Gabe and Lucy.  I told him he earned his reward in heaven, and that I just knew Jesus was standing there saying "Come on, boy.  You've earned it."  I told him he fought so hard and he shouldn't hesitate to go.  We loved him very much and would be okay.  Each of our siblings arrived and he was surrounded by family.  Thing 1 was tucked safely away at Grandpa's house, Thing 2 spending the day with surrogate Nana. 

Mr. 1inamillion made his final steps to heaven at 11:20 a.m. today.  I don't know which dog led the way.  Maybe it was Britney or maybe it was his favorite childhood pet boxer, Palonni.  I know it wasn't our precious Harley because although she and him had a very special bond, she wasn't pretty.  Maybe she was the one he wanted on the bed.  I will never know who welcomed him home, just that at least one of them was a dog.

Dane & Britney