We hit the road again to St. Louis for the first time in nearly a year. Thing 1's eleventh birthday was Friday and we celebrated with a St. Louis Blues game with big sister. He absolutely LOVES hockey right now and a very first NHL game was exciting stuff. We both looked forward to the game and seeing the grown kid, the drive not so much. Gabe really looked forward to staying at the same hotel we always had on previous trips, I did not but it was his birthday so I booked his choice.
All three of us had a lot of fun at the game. We enjoyed our stay, saw some familiar faces and were both comfortable at the usual home away from home. I am sure Thing 1 will talk about this special birthday to anyone who will listen for a long time to come. I was nervous about repeating the familiar drive and venturing through familiar territory, but it was a completely wonderful trip.
I white-knuckled the wheel as we first passed the hospital on the highway towards downtown. I was bracing myself for a reaction of some sort but there was nothing. I feared my knees might buckle walking into the hotel lobby alone, but they did not. I thought there might be tears when I shut the door behind me once we made it to the room, but nope. We were forced to detour leaving Saturday morning, and that took us right through the hospital campus. Stated as matter-of-fact from the back seat as we passed the Siteman Cancer Center sign, "There's Daddy's hospital." Deep breath and "Yup, there it is." Tears? Nope.
It really was an adventure of pure fun and that was perfectly okay.
I had the best hot dog and beer at the game without scrutiny and we enjoyed the game to it's finish with a lot of cheering. I had complete control of the stereo for the entire drive. I only turned on the radio for traffic reports when we hit the city at Friday rush hour. My music, my volume all the way there and back. The whole way home I subjected my poor son to nothing but loud girl rock & country and my very bad singing. God bless headphones and video games, he did not complain about it once.
Days before, someone had mentioned the Dixie Chicks, which had me missing them and wanting to listen. We stopped at our favorite used game & music store just outside of KC and I picked up their live CD set. Then of course it got really loud in the van and I'm sure my singing got much worse (if at all possible). Once we hit the turnpike, that final stretch home, I finally had a moment when the disc came to "Top of the World." Always loved the song, but I guess never really captured it.
It's introduced with Natalie Maines stating, "it's written from the perspective of a man who has passed on and is looking back on his life, wishing he'd done some things differently and treated the people in it a little better."
The first chorus came, and took my breath away..
There's a whole lot of singing it's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much of a word somehow
I think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world
Right now, top of the world
And that's the moment the tears came. Had I been that clipped? I knew I'd broken some beneath the weight of his anger and bitterness on my shoulders, but I guess I hadn't realized just how clipped I'd become. Did he ever realize it? Regret it?
And then the final chorus..
'Cause everyone is singing we just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much of a word somehow
I wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world
Right now
That song was followed by Sin Wagon and the tears followed with a great big laugh.
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!
Online Dating
Yup. You read that title correctly. I've gone there. Though I'm not quite certain 'dating' is a accurate term. My last post I mentioned my desire to meet new people, preferably some in a similar point in life. Typically we meet people where we are at such as school or work, right? Have I mentioned I work from home, where I interact with coworkers via phone or Internet who are nowhere near my home state and I share actual office space with three dogs and a cat? Beyond work I'm shuttling kids. So where am I supposed to meet others in a similar point in life? Yeah, easiest place to go, is to go there.
I must confess, the anonymity of online 'dating' makes meeting boys again far less intimidating. I was twenty the last time I flirted. I was twenty the last time I went on a first date. You forget a lot in sixteen years. A lot. It's weird to be single again and a bit terrifying. The anonymity of meeting boys online easily allows baby steps and leaves me a lot of room to chicken out (SCORE). I say boys because I just feel like a teenager again, not because I'm actually meeting them (at least as far as I can tell--that's a definite downfall of that whole anonymity thing). Along with plenty of room to chicken out, it provides plenty of room to humiliate myself with people I will not have to ever see again face to face (BONUS).
So I've gone there and am surviving the scary baby steps forward. Like that very first meeting for coffee? Weird and awkward. (And it was just coffee, NOT a date) And that very first 'nice to meet you, but not interested'? Disappointing and also a huge relief. Then actually big joy, because I realized I just checked off my second very first rejection (YAY!)
I must confess, the anonymity of online 'dating' makes meeting boys again far less intimidating. I was twenty the last time I flirted. I was twenty the last time I went on a first date. You forget a lot in sixteen years. A lot. It's weird to be single again and a bit terrifying. The anonymity of meeting boys online easily allows baby steps and leaves me a lot of room to chicken out (SCORE). I say boys because I just feel like a teenager again, not because I'm actually meeting them (at least as far as I can tell--that's a definite downfall of that whole anonymity thing). Along with plenty of room to chicken out, it provides plenty of room to humiliate myself with people I will not have to ever see again face to face (BONUS).
So I've gone there and am surviving the scary baby steps forward. Like that very first meeting for coffee? Weird and awkward. (And it was just coffee, NOT a date) And that very first 'nice to meet you, but not interested'? Disappointing and also a huge relief. Then actually big joy, because I realized I just checked off my second very first rejection (YAY!)
Two steps forward, one step back
I've been busy dancing. One step forward, two steps back. Two steps forward, one step back. Now, strike a pose and Vogue. Then again--two steps forward, one step back. A few more steps forward, then a mad dash back and a dive into the nearest fox hole because, at times, this shit is terrifying.
I started the year with a new job. Same company, but a new role that is essentially a promotion. Unexpectedly, it had me paralyzed with grief. It was not that long before Mr. 1inamillion got sick in 2007 that I had secured a new position at work. The interview process again put me back on that road before the cancer detour, the road we were traveling together. I hung up after the first phone interview, walked out of my office and realized he wasn't there to rehash it with me. When I got the job offer, I was fighting tears before I even hung up the phone because he wasn't there to celebrate it with me. Mr. 1inamillion was the partner that supported me through school and work, the teammate on the career path who cheered me on, but now I was alone. I sat down at my desk the first morning of the new gig, saw my new title next to my name and sobbed. Strike a pose, now Vogue. I felt frozen. I envisioned myself merging back on that road we were on in 07, but alone and leaving him behind. I also remembered the man I was married to in 07 who was encouraging and supportive of me, and grieved that loss. A loss that happened long before 2012. It left me stuck for a while.
Fast forward through a bit of one step forward, two steps back and some more two steps forward, one step back. Dancing again, and finally able to reach back before the care taking and remember the good stuff, I realized I might like that again, and that I'm lonely. My circle of friends has shrunk amidst cancer and grew limited to couples amidst marriage. I office from home, so my 9-5 interactions are virtual or with the dogs. Mr.1inamillion always worked for a radio station, so our social life was made up of concerts and events with his circle of coworkers. I'm not quite sure who I am now, and with whom I fit. I married at 21 and by 22 my husband already had two surgeries and radiation. My entire adult life I've been the wife and caretaker of a radio guy with cancer. I feel like I'd been living in his world, now I'm trying to find my way in a new world of my own. How do you be a single adult? A single mom? Where the hell is my manual? Can I get a dance instructor here for all this two-stepping, maybe a hot one?
I have gained some courage and started reaching out to reconnect with old friends, pre-cancer & pre-marriage. I started searching and trying to connect with new friends. Confident, I had made several steps forward, but am easily spooked. Some memories or the horror stories of others have me saying, NEVERMIND and taking a step or two back. Dancing. A recent pull back into Mr. 1inamillion's territory sent me not just a step back, but fleeing for the nearest fox hole, diving in and ducking my head.
There is a song that has been stuck on my mind. Garth Brooks singing Learning to Live Again is killing me runs through my head almost on a continual loop. It's true. Moving forward is difficult and terrifying. Since someone else wrote that song over a decade ago, I can't be alone in this, right? I'm still in the fox hole right now, but I have lifted my head and am considering my next dance moves.
I started the year with a new job. Same company, but a new role that is essentially a promotion. Unexpectedly, it had me paralyzed with grief. It was not that long before Mr. 1inamillion got sick in 2007 that I had secured a new position at work. The interview process again put me back on that road before the cancer detour, the road we were traveling together. I hung up after the first phone interview, walked out of my office and realized he wasn't there to rehash it with me. When I got the job offer, I was fighting tears before I even hung up the phone because he wasn't there to celebrate it with me. Mr. 1inamillion was the partner that supported me through school and work, the teammate on the career path who cheered me on, but now I was alone. I sat down at my desk the first morning of the new gig, saw my new title next to my name and sobbed. Strike a pose, now Vogue. I felt frozen. I envisioned myself merging back on that road we were on in 07, but alone and leaving him behind. I also remembered the man I was married to in 07 who was encouraging and supportive of me, and grieved that loss. A loss that happened long before 2012. It left me stuck for a while.
Fast forward through a bit of one step forward, two steps back and some more two steps forward, one step back. Dancing again, and finally able to reach back before the care taking and remember the good stuff, I realized I might like that again, and that I'm lonely. My circle of friends has shrunk amidst cancer and grew limited to couples amidst marriage. I office from home, so my 9-5 interactions are virtual or with the dogs. Mr.1inamillion always worked for a radio station, so our social life was made up of concerts and events with his circle of coworkers. I'm not quite sure who I am now, and with whom I fit. I married at 21 and by 22 my husband already had two surgeries and radiation. My entire adult life I've been the wife and caretaker of a radio guy with cancer. I feel like I'd been living in his world, now I'm trying to find my way in a new world of my own. How do you be a single adult? A single mom? Where the hell is my manual? Can I get a dance instructor here for all this two-stepping, maybe a hot one?
I have gained some courage and started reaching out to reconnect with old friends, pre-cancer & pre-marriage. I started searching and trying to connect with new friends. Confident, I had made several steps forward, but am easily spooked. Some memories or the horror stories of others have me saying, NEVERMIND and taking a step or two back. Dancing. A recent pull back into Mr. 1inamillion's territory sent me not just a step back, but fleeing for the nearest fox hole, diving in and ducking my head.
There is a song that has been stuck on my mind. Garth Brooks singing Learning to Live Again is killing me runs through my head almost on a continual loop. It's true. Moving forward is difficult and terrifying. Since someone else wrote that song over a decade ago, I can't be alone in this, right? I'm still in the fox hole right now, but I have lifted my head and am considering my next dance moves.
My kid is in juvie
Should I raise my hand? It's joys & concerns, and this is a huge heavy concern. It would probably really throw him off up there. I'd get to see some church ladies squirm. That could be entertaining. I don't think I can say this without crying. I don't want to throw my kids out there for the judgment and the gossip. I know the power of the prayer list, but I also know the gossip it feeds. But this hurts the same as cancer. It does. Jesus knew and put it on the same short list. I just can't say it without crying.
It has been a very rough week and I have shed many tears. My bonus kid came to me in July with a bit of a rap sheet. I haven't written about it because he's a kid and I've felt it's his story to tell. He is a insanely talented kid, too, who tells his story at his own pace, in his own lyrics, and to his own audience. His grandpa reminded me, though, that there is probably something I am supposed to learn here, too. When I met with him to tell him all B's probation officer had told me and the consequences that I believed were best after the latest series of bad choices, he said that he tries to remember there is probably something here for him to learn, too. Fighting tears he said, "What is it that God wants me to take from this too?"
Why did I stop that? I listened for the lessons with Mr. 1inamillion's cancer journey. I knew I was along the path with him for a reason, too. The biggest thing I've noticed is that life amidst juvenile delinquency is a lot like life amidst oncology, at least from the driver's seat. There are PO appointments. Psychology appointments. Substance abuse group therapy and 1-on-1 sessions. A sentencing hearing is a lot like scan results. You are forced to wait for a long, indefinite period of time in a waiting room for someone who does not know you but because of a higher education they're qualified to sentence you to months of whatever treatment they believe will hopefully put this behind you for good. or at least for now.
The language is different. The juvenile court system has it's own set of words and acronyms much like, but completely different than, oncology. I'm slow, but learning them. Of course B asked for his consequences with actions and bad choices.....not unlike some cancer patients (smokers and tan addicts) but certainly unlike most and Mr. 1inamillion. While waiting for B's last hearing after two days of scared, wrong choices, my heartbreak and anguish felt the same. Seeing the kid you claim and love in handcuffs and a jumpsuit hurts. It's heartbreaking. It hurts to tell a lawyer you just met that No, we will not take him home and allow intense probation. It is not what is best for him and he will run. We believe his best option now is the boys ranch.
I don't know firsthand what Dane thought or felt lying in a hospital bed, and I can't understand what B is thinking or feeling inside a cell. I do know that sitting outside of a juvenile detention center, the anguish felt is not much different than that felt sitting outside of a hospital. This is one thing I've learned. I understand why Jesus put both on the short list of the least of these in Matthew 25.
I knew before this last week that the kid had been whittling away at my high horse. As moms, we look at other people's kids as trouble for our own. Stay away from him, he's a bad influence. Stay away from her, that girl is trouble. I have said to B, just as to things 1 & 2, all of your friends are welcome here until they specifically give me a reason not to be. There are a couple that I will chase off of my lawn with a snow shovel because they earned my wrath firsthand. There are friends he has made that were preceeded by the gossip and attitude from other parents or teenagers. I am trying to offer those kids the same grace and chances I want for my kid because I know my kid's heart, and I know many probably judge him and consider him the bad influence. I tell you that some of those deemed trouble by the gossip mill have proven to be true friends who came through to save his life and encourage the right choices.
This week my horse dropped a lot lower. I've judged. I've blamed. I carried a burden I did not want and did not believe I should have to carry. Why God? I don't want to do it. I know, be the Mom he needs, not the Mom he wants. It's not my job to make you happy or comfortable, as a parent the goal is to get you to adulthood as a responsible, contributing citizen. Oh, God, I shouldn't have to be the hard ass mom. Was I tagged in to just be the bitch? It's Christmas. He's going to miss Christmas. HE IS NOT. He will miss the tradition and commercialization we've made it about, but not the grace. Jesus was born in a barn...amidst shit & flies...he spent his first birthday and second as a refugee in Africa fleeing Herod's genocide. Jesus came to make all things new and he started in shit & flies. B is not missing Christmas. He may have the truest Christmas of all. OH LORD, PLEASE LET HIM KNOW THAT. PLEASE, GOD, MAKE YOUR PRESENCE SO CLEAR AND OBVIOUS TO HIM. I AM TALKING BIG, BURLY ANGEL IN THE CELL 'FEAR NOT' KIND OF OBVIOUS. PLEASE, GOD.
Oh, it hurt to see him like that. To let the judge say we didn't want him. That isn't true. We want what's best and we know we're not it. It's not fair being the bonus mom that has to be the hard ass mom. God, that was gut wrenching. So now you understand why I couldn't let her do it. Oh, Lord, I do. I am so sorry. I can't imagine! I can not even imagine doing this if I had birthed him and cuddled him. If I had overcome all that she has, I would no doubt fall. I would crumble. Oh, Lord. Please comfort her. Please be with her and help her, too. Please help me be the mom you need me to be for B. and for her.
So, it is Christmas Eve and my heart is heavy with concern. My kid is in juvie. With the same confidence I had before for Mr. 1inamillion, I am asking for prayers. It's not a coincidence Jesus put them both on the short list. Broken people are just broken, and hurt just hurts.
...I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. (Matthew 25:26)
...When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. (-Matthew 25:39-40)
This Mom's been busted
Dear Thing 1,
P.S. I am the tooth fairy and I also hide the eggs at Easter. I have no idea where those two traditions originated, but your grandparents played the roles for me, and one day you will play them, too.
Bubby, you’re
right. I do go to the mailbox and take
out the letters written to Santa Claus.
Just as my parents did for me, and their parents before them, I get your
gifts from Santa Claus and I fill your stockings.
You’ve heard him
referred to as Saint Nicholas, right? Saint
Nicholas was really a Christian bishop in a country that is now known as Turkey. He was known for giving generous gifts to the
poor. He was religious from an early age
and devoted his life to Christianity.
He
was just one dude. No elves. No flying
reindeer. He was just one Christian who
gave generously, trying to follow Christ’s example. In doing so, a beautiful tradition of Christmas spirit was created (known as far back as the 1820s!) that has grown to the
epic folk tale of Santa Claus. So you
are right, he is not real, but I think the spirit of generosity and celebration
that is Santa Claus is legit.
God gave us the greatest
gift of Jesus on the first Christmas. We
attempt to give generously each year to glorify it. The surprise and anticipation that comes with
the magic of Santa is just one of the ways we celebrate Christmas, Jesus Christ’s
birthday.
One day many, many years
from now, I hope you have the joy of stealing letters from the mailbox and sneaking
around to fill stockings just as I do now and your grandparents did before me. Right now you see the joy and magic as yours--
in receiving gifts from Santa Claus; but I think the real joy & magic is mine—seeing
your faces light up Christmas morning with surprise and happiness. So pretty please, help this Santa Momma out
and try to at least fake it a while longer and don’t
tell your sister.
Merry Christmas.
Love,
MOM
P.S. I am the tooth fairy and I also hide the eggs at Easter. I have no idea where those two traditions originated, but your grandparents played the roles for me, and one day you will play them, too.
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