A letter to the Dog Whisperer

Dear Mr. Millan,

On a recent episode of your show, you stated that 'we don't always get the dog we want but we do get the dog that we need'.

I enjoy your show quite a bit and am fascinated by the success of your techniques. Your ability to convince Howie Mandell (of all people) to handle a dog with calm confidence was impressive, as was your ability to stop the dog Jodi from eating poop by redirecting her with bananas. I am, however, writing to regretfully inform you that your above statement is wrong.

I am a working mother of two, wife of a cancer patient and leader of our pack that includes a chihuahua mix up, a boxer and a couple of cats. I am growing rather confident in the idea that I don't need the boxer. She brings a lot of trouble, which is something that I am perfectly capable of getting into myself. She Houdini's her way out of any containment. She's squeezed out of a crate, and regularly jumps the fence. She's cost me a large vet bill for quarantine and time plus fees in court after allegedly biting a pedestrian. Not needed. I now must pay a $100 annual dangerous dog license and additional insurance to keep her, as well as house her in a 10x10x6 kennel. Except she has already managed to pull the fencing up and escape that, too.

You might think that maybe I needed the exercise I received last night as I ran around the block in an effort to find her. I used to think I did need her as my personal trainer. Considering my current shin splints that I can't shake, however, I really need to be working out on the elliptical and catching up on my DVR list. Maybe you have an episode on fence jumping that awaits me? If not, would you please come to Kansas and film one? Really, I have yet to see you leave the sunny west coast.

If you prefer to focus on poop eaters in California and are unwilling to travel to the Midwest, well, I suppose I don't blame you. Can you at least find one with a fetish for cat litter boxes that you can rehabilitate? That's another quirk of this dog I don't need.

Kind Regards,

Mrs. 1inamillion