Thanks for Asking

We have always been very open about Mr. 1inamillion’s cancer with anyone and everyone in our lives. Occasionally we do pay for that, but I grew up in a family and community with a very powerful prayer chain and believe that if people don’t know about it, they can’t pray about it. We are always, always, grateful for the prayers and firmly believe in their power. The kindness we receive from others is touching. I am appreciative of the questions and concern I receive on behalf of my husband. Except of course when I‘m not.

The family that surrounds a patient tends to blend into the shadows of a sarcoma. We are generally pretty accepting of that. We are the trees that are strong because we are flexible. We bend in the wind, go with the flow. Our wants and plans were tossed out the window on the way home from the oncologist. That’s just the way it goes, and usually that’s okay. Fighting cancer clearly outweighs most topics. There are some moments, however, that our presence should not be overshadowed. We should be acknowledged and be the point of concern. It might sound bitter and selfish, but it’s true. Sometimes the concern for Mr. 1inamillion is poorly timed and not appreciated. Occasionally I‘m even kind of offended by it.

Offended by concern for your hubby? Surely not! I know that might be what you are thinking, so I’ll share some examples and weigh them out for you.

Example # 1
Last fall Thing 1 confessed to me that he did not like going to Scouts since Mr. 1inamillion was sick. This was because most of the adults there asked how his Dad was doing and he didn’t want to talk about it all the time. This example weighs in as annoying. He’s a child and Scouts is supposed to be his opportunity to be just that. Let him be like any other boy there, focused on fun.

My suggested response for him to use when questioned was “He’s hanging in there, thanks for asking. How’s your Dad?”. It’s short, sweet and would catch them a bit off guard because they’re older and their fathers have probably passed to Glory already. Some may not appreciate the hint of sarcasm in my coaching, but I find humor to be a super coping mechanism. Besides, my father taught me well and it would be wrong not to pass on the gift of sarcasm to the next generation.

My request of adults is to simply let my kids lead on the topic and direct your questions to me. If they bring it up, please feel honored by their trust and let them talk. Otherwise, let Gabe and Lucy be all about Gabe and Lucy.

Example # 2
Perhaps we cross paths and you greet me with “Hey! How’s your husband?”. This is by far the most common occurrence and it is not annoying, but it does not rank as sincerely appreciated, either. I’m accustomed to it but I recommend leading with “How are you?”. It is just polite and will be met with gratitude. Otherwise you may just receive a "He's hanging in there, thanks for asking. How's your husband?".

Example # 3
This last example is probably over-sharing, but it really is the experience that has offended me and makes my point like no other example could.

Last week I had a doctor’s appointment of my very own. This is the doctor that delivered both Things 1 and 2. He is clearly familiar with our family and it’s certainly not odd for him to inquire about Mr. 1inamillion. This appointment was for an IUD placement. The kind doctor was questioning me about my husband’s health as he was rooting around inside me. He also asked how Mr. 1inamillion was handling the latest set back emotionally, because it is such a tough battle.

I understand his intent was likely an effort to distract me from the extreme pain he was causing, but a lighter topic of conversation would have been more welcomed at that very moment. It also might have been appropriate for MY doctor messing with MY hormones to have inquired about MY emotional health as well. But he didn’t.

After I was home from my appointment, Mr. 1inamillion asked how it went. He also asked about kind doctor and if kind doctor had asked about him. It might have been more appropriate for him to have inquired about risks to my health, side effects or how long I might be in pain. But he didn’t.

When cancer takes hold of one member of the family, everyone else tends to become an afterthought. That just becomes the norm, and in a lot of instances that’s okay. Except of course when it’s clearly not. Now kind doctor did say he would put us in his prayers. I am very grateful for that. He’s right, cancer is a tough battle. It’s also a little risky to have a family overshadowed by it, a mom with hormones unbalanced and emotional health unchecked.