"Today is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." This is what I am reciting in my head this morning. This is what I recite in my head nearly every morning that leads into a day I dread. Today is the day that the Lord has made and it is the day that we put Mr. 1inamillion's ashes to rest.
To be honest, this has been somewhere in the back of my head for nearly fourteen and a half years. Tomorrow will be our fifteenth wedding anniversary, and October will be fifteen years since they found the first sarcoma. I basically went from planning a wedding to wondering about a funeral. Surely I'm not the only one that starts to wonder about funerals and death at diagnosis. Perhaps I am, though. I've spent the last few days laughing as much as, if not more than, I've cried and thinking that maybe....just maybe, I'm just not right.
There will be carefully selected country gospel as the prelude and postlude. There will be fifty pictures in the slide show. We will hear Ronnie Milsap's "What a Difference You've Made" because with over thirty years in country music, Ronnie always remained Dane's favorite. Jars of Clay's "Valley Song" will be performed for the Big Kid, and "Long Way Home" for me and things 1 & 2. His ashes will be buried near my mother's grave.
I didn't give our pastor any instruction on what I wanted him to speak, just the warning that I might interrupt him if he's getting it wrong. After all, I did interrupt the hospital chaplain's prayer. Multiple times. My sister in law apparently questioned if I may have lost my mind.
Before Mr. 1inamillion's body was taken from the hospital and we all left, a hospital chaplain came in to pray with us. And he got it wrong. Multiple times. In my defense, I had just spent hours coaching this man that I love to heaven. I cheered him home. I watched him suffer for too many years and it was finally coming to an end. I told him how much we loved him, how much he deserved it and how we would be okay. I told him to just run to Jesus. Hours spent encouraging him home, and this chaplain wants to go on and on about how depressed and angry we are. No we're not. NO, WE'RE NOT. That will not be what we express to our Lord and Savior over my husband.
We are sad. We are grieving for our loss, but we can't be angry. We can't be depressed. There will be moments, I know, but we can't sit in it. We will not cling to that. If we believe what Jesus promised us about heaven for Dane and we believe God's promise in Jeremiah of his plans of a hope and a future for all of us, we must be grateful for it. We must rejoice and be glad in it.
June
June's a big month in the 1inamillion house. The big kid turned 25 on Friday. Mr. 1inamillion and I would be married 15 years on the 21st. He would turn 49 on the 27th. And of course there is today.
The calendar had been taunting me. All that this month holds began rolling through my mind as soon as we were told at the hospital that there were brain mets and how fast things might progress. I wondered how quickly Dane would pass, and how it might land on the calendar amongst the special days. Would we make it 15 years? Would he make it to 49? Turns out he actually knew.
Early last week while in the hospital, he insisted to me that he was going. When I said"'really? when are you going?", he answered "fourteenth." I asked where he was going and he again said "fourteenth." He told our sister-in-law he was going tomorrow, and after she asked him several times where, he whispered, "Heaven." That conversation took place on the thirteenth.
Today was our first 'public' outing since his passing. I thought it might be tough facing all of the concerned friends at church on any ol' Sunday, but today is Father's Day. I had no idea how hard it might be for Things 1 and 2. I asked Gpa and the uncles to join us today, all but one of which don't make church a habit. As Gabe and Lucy were being reminded it's Father's Day and their father was gone, I wanted them to also be reminded that there are men who love them bunches and are ready to stand in the gap. I told Thing 1 this morning that they would be joining us and while no one can ever take Daddy's place, there are a lot of people who love us and will be there whenever we need them and I wanted him to know that.
We talked this afternoon about the fact that it's kind of cool that Daddy got to spend Father's Day with his daddy for the first time in years. Thing 1 said, "And it's ok, we got to spend Father's Day with our Father God and Grandpa."
The calendar had been taunting me. All that this month holds began rolling through my mind as soon as we were told at the hospital that there were brain mets and how fast things might progress. I wondered how quickly Dane would pass, and how it might land on the calendar amongst the special days. Would we make it 15 years? Would he make it to 49? Turns out he actually knew.
Early last week while in the hospital, he insisted to me that he was going. When I said"'really? when are you going?", he answered "fourteenth." I asked where he was going and he again said "fourteenth." He told our sister-in-law he was going tomorrow, and after she asked him several times where, he whispered, "Heaven." That conversation took place on the thirteenth.
Today was our first 'public' outing since his passing. I thought it might be tough facing all of the concerned friends at church on any ol' Sunday, but today is Father's Day. I had no idea how hard it might be for Things 1 and 2. I asked Gpa and the uncles to join us today, all but one of which don't make church a habit. As Gabe and Lucy were being reminded it's Father's Day and their father was gone, I wanted them to also be reminded that there are men who love them bunches and are ready to stand in the gap. I told Thing 1 this morning that they would be joining us and while no one can ever take Daddy's place, there are a lot of people who love us and will be there whenever we need them and I wanted him to know that.
We talked this afternoon about the fact that it's kind of cool that Daddy got to spend Father's Day with his daddy for the first time in years. Thing 1 said, "And it's ok, we got to spend Father's Day with our Father God and Grandpa."
June 14th, 2012
I always thought all dogs go to heaven, but now I know for sure. It has been nearly two weeks since we said our goodbyes to Miss Britney. Just thirteen days since Mr. 1inamillion told her he'd see her soon. Little did I know when I heard that just how soon it would be.
Yesterday a dear, dear friend sat with Dane while family took a break from the hospital. She had been at this stage before with her own family and was familiar with how end of life progresses. He pointed to people in the room only he could see. She assured him they were here to help him if he'd let them. Once he understood that, he began to relax a bit and then he began to pet a dog beside his bed. He said to her, "Isn't she pretty?".
When family returned, he continued to pet a dog only he could see along the bed. He motioned down beside the bed as if calling a dog, and he kept insistently telling his brother to "just put her on the bed." They brought up a stuffed dog from the gift shop for him that he began to pet. That with some country music comforted him and he finally relaxed into a deep sleep.
This morning when I arrived to his bedside, he was peaceful and comfortable, although his body was working very had to continue on. The nurse told me we were probably within hours. I told him I needed him to give me just one last instruction and tell me if he wanted the kids there. Thankfully, he gave me a very clear answer. No. His mother and I each sat on a bedside and held his hand. I told him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how grateful I was to him for giving me Gabe and Lucy. I told him he earned his reward in heaven, and that I just knew Jesus was standing there saying "Come on, boy. You've earned it." I told him he fought so hard and he shouldn't hesitate to go. We loved him very much and would be okay. Each of our siblings arrived and he was surrounded by family. Thing 1 was tucked safely away at Grandpa's house, Thing 2 spending the day with surrogate Nana.
Mr. 1inamillion made his final steps to heaven at 11:20 a.m. today. I don't know which dog led the way. Maybe it was Britney or maybe it was his favorite childhood pet boxer, Palonni. I know it wasn't our precious Harley because although she and him had a very special bond, she wasn't pretty. Maybe she was the one he wanted on the bed. I will never know who welcomed him home, just that at least one of them was a dog.
Yesterday a dear, dear friend sat with Dane while family took a break from the hospital. She had been at this stage before with her own family and was familiar with how end of life progresses. He pointed to people in the room only he could see. She assured him they were here to help him if he'd let them. Once he understood that, he began to relax a bit and then he began to pet a dog beside his bed. He said to her, "Isn't she pretty?".
When family returned, he continued to pet a dog only he could see along the bed. He motioned down beside the bed as if calling a dog, and he kept insistently telling his brother to "just put her on the bed." They brought up a stuffed dog from the gift shop for him that he began to pet. That with some country music comforted him and he finally relaxed into a deep sleep.
This morning when I arrived to his bedside, he was peaceful and comfortable, although his body was working very had to continue on. The nurse told me we were probably within hours. I told him I needed him to give me just one last instruction and tell me if he wanted the kids there. Thankfully, he gave me a very clear answer. No. His mother and I each sat on a bedside and held his hand. I told him how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how grateful I was to him for giving me Gabe and Lucy. I told him he earned his reward in heaven, and that I just knew Jesus was standing there saying "Come on, boy. You've earned it." I told him he fought so hard and he shouldn't hesitate to go. We loved him very much and would be okay. Each of our siblings arrived and he was surrounded by family. Thing 1 was tucked safely away at Grandpa's house, Thing 2 spending the day with surrogate Nana.
Mr. 1inamillion made his final steps to heaven at 11:20 a.m. today. I don't know which dog led the way. Maybe it was Britney or maybe it was his favorite childhood pet boxer, Palonni. I know it wasn't our precious Harley because although she and him had a very special bond, she wasn't pretty. Maybe she was the one he wanted on the bed. I will never know who welcomed him home, just that at least one of them was a dog.
 |
| Dane & Britney |
Tuesday
My filter is broken. If you've read much of my blog you might remember that I have admitted to swearing like a sailor. Today my filter is broken and I'm swearing like a sailor.
Mr. 1inamillion has been incredibly restless. Yesterday the doctor was concerned that he may be overly sedated so she adjusted his medications. He still isn't struggling with physical pain, but he has been very agitated. He's saying the expected random craziness and keeps insisting on getting up and leaving, but he seems to be getting weaker by the hour. Today they were adding medicines to help with the delirium and said we need to wait out the adjustments. I have spent all of my time with him these two days trying to calm him down, convince him to get back or stay in bed; basically holding him captive.
My patience is shot, my energy is spent. I am now at home alone in a quiet house, attempting to decompress and repair my filter. The doctor may not deserve nice words from me now, but she ain't around and I do really love his nurse. My husband is slipping before my eyes. He may not be physically hurting, but he is confused and visibly uncomfortable mentally. And it has been really pissing me off. The nurse did speak with his doctor again and she received an okay to increase some meds to calm him. Hopefully it works, my filter my be beyond repair today and tomorrow I will verbally have that doctor's ass for breakfast with my soy latte.
We all have cleared out of the hospital for the afternoon, hoping he might settle down and rest. Mr. 1inamillion is very beloved. He has had a consistent stream of visitors which I do believe he has enjoyed. Now, however, we think it may be contributing to his frustration and confusion as he is balancing between two realms - what's really happening around him and where his mind might be residing. We want to keep his guests to close friends and family, just one or two at a time and see if it might help.
I know I've been due for a filter breakdown and I know it's okay. I do believe that God wants our honest cries. As I searched for and watched the video I felt appropriate to include with this blog post, I fell to pieces with honest, continuous sobs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=zOHJghBU0XA
Mr. 1inamillion has been incredibly restless. Yesterday the doctor was concerned that he may be overly sedated so she adjusted his medications. He still isn't struggling with physical pain, but he has been very agitated. He's saying the expected random craziness and keeps insisting on getting up and leaving, but he seems to be getting weaker by the hour. Today they were adding medicines to help with the delirium and said we need to wait out the adjustments. I have spent all of my time with him these two days trying to calm him down, convince him to get back or stay in bed; basically holding him captive.
My patience is shot, my energy is spent. I am now at home alone in a quiet house, attempting to decompress and repair my filter. The doctor may not deserve nice words from me now, but she ain't around and I do really love his nurse. My husband is slipping before my eyes. He may not be physically hurting, but he is confused and visibly uncomfortable mentally. And it has been really pissing me off. The nurse did speak with his doctor again and she received an okay to increase some meds to calm him. Hopefully it works, my filter my be beyond repair today and tomorrow I will verbally have that doctor's ass for breakfast with my soy latte.
We all have cleared out of the hospital for the afternoon, hoping he might settle down and rest. Mr. 1inamillion is very beloved. He has had a consistent stream of visitors which I do believe he has enjoyed. Now, however, we think it may be contributing to his frustration and confusion as he is balancing between two realms - what's really happening around him and where his mind might be residing. We want to keep his guests to close friends and family, just one or two at a time and see if it might help.
I know I've been due for a filter breakdown and I know it's okay. I do believe that God wants our honest cries. As I searched for and watched the video I felt appropriate to include with this blog post, I fell to pieces with honest, continuous sobs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=zOHJghBU0XA
Sunday
The last two days have been good days for Mr. 1inamillion. He had many visitors and was able to visit with most. His long term memory has remained pretty solid thus far. He started his career in radio when he was just fifteen (being the trophy wife that I am, I was just two) and I think he had a friend or coworker from darn near every station he was ever on. He has always loved what he does, so we have spent a lot of time in radio the last few days. There's been lots of memories shared about the changes over the last 30+ years, and even when he was not chatting with industry buddies, we've spent a bit of time in radio stations as his mind has wandered in his happy places.
Today has not been such a good day. He's had more dear friends and family visiting, but he has just slept most of the day. He was much more wobbly on his feet this morning and we've seen more signs of small seizures and more confusion.
He has thought we were on a cruise ship much of the last week. Yesterday he did ask me what exactly the Professor had said, telling me that it had registered. I explained it again and Mr.1inamillion asked "what if it's six months? What if I'm on this boat for six months?"
"Then we'll be very grateful for the six months."
Today has not been such a good day. He's had more dear friends and family visiting, but he has just slept most of the day. He was much more wobbly on his feet this morning and we've seen more signs of small seizures and more confusion.
He has thought we were on a cruise ship much of the last week. Yesterday he did ask me what exactly the Professor had said, telling me that it had registered. I explained it again and Mr.1inamillion asked "what if it's six months? What if I'm on this boat for six months?"
"Then we'll be very grateful for the six months."
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