Confession
I have a confession. I pray for heart attacks. I've prayed for heart attacks for years. Lord, please just come quickly. Please just take him home quickly and put an end to this suffering. Please, Lord, I don't want to see him hurting anymore. I can't do hospice. Please Lord, just let him have a heart attack.
I prayed for heart attacks.... and I used to feel terribly guilty about that.
It's amazing how you can read or hear the same bible stories over and over, but each time hear or grasp something different. As we studied the crucifixion this Easter the portion that grabbed me was when Jesus prayed in the garden just before they came to get him. He knew what was waiting, he knew what he had to do but he was scared and asked that this cup be passed over him. The Lord wrapped in human flesh had fear and prayed to skip the whole darn thing.
Meaning to me that Jesus basically prayed for a heart attack, too. Guilt relieved.
Of course He also prayed that God's will be done, and I did grab that as well. So I am doing my best to pray within God's will and accept this journey. Without a doubt, I still hate this and want my Mr. 1inamillion healthy or quickly home. But I will walk this path that He wants me to.
If you have a few more minutes, take a listen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GocT5SAQPNM&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Friday
No blog yesterday, as Wednesday sucked me dry. Mr. 1inamillion was moved to in-patient hospice and Thing 1 came home early from camp to visit. Up until Wednesday, the hardest things I'd ever done were give birth and quit smoking. Telling Dane that the fight was over, then telling Gabe there were no more treatments to help his Daddy and what lied ahead of us completely depleted me.
Yesterday they changed up pain meds so Mr. 1inamillion had a much better day. He rested well, visited with family, friends and slept through the night. He ate a bit at lunch, the first in days. This morning he had some breakfast and was up visiting with a dear friend when I arrived.
Today I had a slow start. I sat and enjoyed my first cup of coffee with my mother-in-law then got in a workout. Before I walked and ran the dogs, I got in a quick yoga practice. The day is always better when I start my day at the top of the mat and the foot of the Savior. It's impossible for me to be single focused, so my best prayer time is when my body is in motion. They say that when the body is moving the mind is still and open. Prayer is a two way conversation, we've got to remember to stop pleading and talking over God all the time. This morning after my mind was still and open, my prayer on the mat is that we'd be surrounded with the right words and in the absence of the right words there would be just quiet. May we speak and hear only the right words today and otherwise simply be quiet.
Since I've arrived in Mr. 1imamillion's room, he's been awake and in conversation. He asked me when he'd get to go home and again I said he would not be going home. Again I took the deep breath and explained the cancer matastisized to his brain and the Professor said for them to keep him here to care for him and manage his pain. Thing 2 is on her way home from camp with Aunt Shel so soon I will be delivering the same message for the first time to her eight year old ears.
I am so thankful I started my day at the top of the mat and the foot of the Savior. I know I would have no right words without it.
Wednesday
The Professor made it safely back to St. Louis yesterday and after speaking with the local radiology oncologist he called me and said we're done. The radiation would buy no quality of life and once there are brain mets there won't be a good outcome. He always promised Dane he'd be honest and tell us when there is nothing more he can do, and there is nothing more he can do. He called me just as they were pushing to schedule radiation and the moment he said we're done, I dropped to my knees in relief. I knew in my heart that this was it and there was no reason to put him through the torture of it, but I just needed to hear it from one of HIS doctors. Mr. 1inamillion has had complete faith in the Professor so hearing it from him was truly a blessing to the big kid and I. The decision was no longer on our shoulders.
The Professor said there wouldn't be a good outcome, but I know that's not true. We have been on such a tough journey. I feel like we have been climbing over a mountain and have just hit that point of witnessing the beautiful valley that awaits. There's still incredibly hard terrain to make it through and we have no idea of how long, but as followers of Christ we know the promise that awaits and I feel like Mr. 1inamillion's destination is within our sights.
If you have a few more minutes, take a look at this Steven Curtis Chapman video. It's a wonderful cheerful little ditty thatjust fits right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YE4Yf4NkdrU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
The Professor said there wouldn't be a good outcome, but I know that's not true. We have been on such a tough journey. I feel like we have been climbing over a mountain and have just hit that point of witnessing the beautiful valley that awaits. There's still incredibly hard terrain to make it through and we have no idea of how long, but as followers of Christ we know the promise that awaits and I feel like Mr. 1inamillion's destination is within our sights.
If you have a few more minutes, take a look at this Steven Curtis Chapman video. It's a wonderful cheerful little ditty thatjust fits right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YE4Yf4NkdrU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Tuesday
One would think that with two primary oncologists, at least one would be available. Not the case for us. Dr. McTardy is away on vacation until Monday and the Professor is at a convention but will be back in St. Louis this afternoon. So here is what I've learned from the covering oncologist and the radiology oncologist thus far;
The radiology oncologist's initial recommendation is full brain radiation. Mr. 1inamillion has a lesion at the front with lots of swelling around it, and one at the back. The lesion at the back would potentially cause coordination and balance problems which isn't an issue yet. The swelling at the front would likely be the cause of the confusion he's having but two days of steroids should have offered improvement. He suspects that cancer cells have spread to the covering of the brain and could be the culprit for the confusion. The brain covering extends to the spine, so this morning they did a lumbar puncture to see if there are cancer cells in the spinal fluid. We won't know the results until tomorrow.
Beyond the brain, Mr. 1inamillion has three tumors in his lung, one beside his heart and spots in the pelvic area. The Professor had Dane scheduled to freeze what is in the lung and near the heart in two more weeks. Hopefully I will hear from him this afternoon for his recommendation. Dr. McTardy, however, is who I really want to hear from as he has been Dane's doctor since 2007. He is also the one that suggested he stop chemo and try to really live the life God is giving him. I was in complete agreement with that, believing we'd hit a point were chemo was doing as much harm as, if not more than, the cancer. Dane wasn't happy with either one of us.
This morning he's hurting and cranky from the lumbar puncture and has been a bit of a smart ass, which are good signs that he's present with me. Yesterday we spent a lot of the day on a boat in Texas. That probably would have been fine with me had there been a pool and cocktails. I am wondering where this trip will take us today?
Through this journey I have been told countless times that I am so strong. Let me say, I am not. MY strength ran out long ago. Paul said that Lord told him, "MY grace is sufficient. MY strength is made perfect in your weakness." It wasn't that He'd give us more strength or that He wouldn't give us more than we can handle. I truly believe He does give us more than we can handle so we may learn to rely on Him. Mrs. 1inamillon's strength ran out a long time ago. I am on E, and the strength that I am running on is the Lord's. I have completely accepted that, and am a-ok knowing that I alone am not expected to handle this.
The radiology oncologist's initial recommendation is full brain radiation. Mr. 1inamillion has a lesion at the front with lots of swelling around it, and one at the back. The lesion at the back would potentially cause coordination and balance problems which isn't an issue yet. The swelling at the front would likely be the cause of the confusion he's having but two days of steroids should have offered improvement. He suspects that cancer cells have spread to the covering of the brain and could be the culprit for the confusion. The brain covering extends to the spine, so this morning they did a lumbar puncture to see if there are cancer cells in the spinal fluid. We won't know the results until tomorrow.
Beyond the brain, Mr. 1inamillion has three tumors in his lung, one beside his heart and spots in the pelvic area. The Professor had Dane scheduled to freeze what is in the lung and near the heart in two more weeks. Hopefully I will hear from him this afternoon for his recommendation. Dr. McTardy, however, is who I really want to hear from as he has been Dane's doctor since 2007. He is also the one that suggested he stop chemo and try to really live the life God is giving him. I was in complete agreement with that, believing we'd hit a point were chemo was doing as much harm as, if not more than, the cancer. Dane wasn't happy with either one of us.
This morning he's hurting and cranky from the lumbar puncture and has been a bit of a smart ass, which are good signs that he's present with me. Yesterday we spent a lot of the day on a boat in Texas. That probably would have been fine with me had there been a pool and cocktails. I am wondering where this trip will take us today?
Through this journey I have been told countless times that I am so strong. Let me say, I am not. MY strength ran out long ago. Paul said that Lord told him, "MY grace is sufficient. MY strength is made perfect in your weakness." It wasn't that He'd give us more strength or that He wouldn't give us more than we can handle. I truly believe He does give us more than we can handle so we may learn to rely on Him. Mrs. 1inamillon's strength ran out a long time ago. I am on E, and the strength that I am running on is the Lord's. I have completely accepted that, and am a-ok knowing that I alone am not expected to handle this.
What a weekend
It's been a couple of crazy weeks for the 1inamillion family that led to quite a weekend. Miss Britney had been very sick and Mr. 1inamillion was in rough shape too. Much of my time working in the basement was spent worrying about the man and dog above me for weeks. Neither one were eating, and Dane was beginning to say increasingly far-fetched things.
I took Brit to the vet for a second stay mid-week, and after no improvement we said goodbye on Friday. It was a painful but easy decision, God fed me so many assurances that day for which I am so grateful. She was such a blessing to me for the time we had her, even with all the trouble she may have caused. I don't think I will ever be able to put into words how grateful I am for her, it's good that the Lord can interpret our every sigh.
Saturday evening Mr. Oneinamillion insisted he had an apartment in Wichita, not shocking to hear after the many off the wall things he's said over the previous two weeks...but hurtful nonetheless. So with that, I brought him into the ER. His lab work has been good, I've been in control of his meds so I have known there was something more going on. The brain CT showed some swelling and that the cancer has metastasized to his brain. He was admitted and has been in the care of our favorite nursing team. They have him on steroids to reduce the swelling and I am waiting to meet with the oncologist to discuss the recommendation of radiation.
Sunday morning, the cutest puppy picture was posted on the Kansas Humane Society website. A four month old Boxer and English Springer Spaniel mix baby boy that I just knew had to join our pack. I have been missing a four legged personal trainer, so Lucy and I called to place a hold on him, then later after a visit to Daddy in the hospital, Gabe and I picked up our new pack member named Brody. I know I may be crazy to take on a puppy in the face of brain tumors, but God packs a lot of love and joy in puppies so I welcome the distraction. I spent much of the day doing laundry and packing kids for church camp. I wasn't at the hospital much. I really enjoyed a bit of relief having Dane in the care of nurses and finally knowing what was wrong.
Today things 1 & 2 will head off for a fun week at church camp and I am at the hospital with Mr.1inamillion, waiting for doctors. Not sure what our future holds, but I do know who holds it. I am not worried, but am giving thanks. God provides and promises a great future. Thank you, Lord, for fabulous nurses, for pets who give great comfort, puppies who give great joy, friends and family for all the prayer, love and support they provide and thank you, Lord, for interpreting every sigh when there are no words.
I took Brit to the vet for a second stay mid-week, and after no improvement we said goodbye on Friday. It was a painful but easy decision, God fed me so many assurances that day for which I am so grateful. She was such a blessing to me for the time we had her, even with all the trouble she may have caused. I don't think I will ever be able to put into words how grateful I am for her, it's good that the Lord can interpret our every sigh.
Saturday evening Mr. Oneinamillion insisted he had an apartment in Wichita, not shocking to hear after the many off the wall things he's said over the previous two weeks...but hurtful nonetheless. So with that, I brought him into the ER. His lab work has been good, I've been in control of his meds so I have known there was something more going on. The brain CT showed some swelling and that the cancer has metastasized to his brain. He was admitted and has been in the care of our favorite nursing team. They have him on steroids to reduce the swelling and I am waiting to meet with the oncologist to discuss the recommendation of radiation.
Sunday morning, the cutest puppy picture was posted on the Kansas Humane Society website. A four month old Boxer and English Springer Spaniel mix baby boy that I just knew had to join our pack. I have been missing a four legged personal trainer, so Lucy and I called to place a hold on him, then later after a visit to Daddy in the hospital, Gabe and I picked up our new pack member named Brody. I know I may be crazy to take on a puppy in the face of brain tumors, but God packs a lot of love and joy in puppies so I welcome the distraction. I spent much of the day doing laundry and packing kids for church camp. I wasn't at the hospital much. I really enjoyed a bit of relief having Dane in the care of nurses and finally knowing what was wrong.
Today things 1 & 2 will head off for a fun week at church camp and I am at the hospital with Mr.1inamillion, waiting for doctors. Not sure what our future holds, but I do know who holds it. I am not worried, but am giving thanks. God provides and promises a great future. Thank you, Lord, for fabulous nurses, for pets who give great comfort, puppies who give great joy, friends and family for all the prayer, love and support they provide and thank you, Lord, for interpreting every sigh when there are no words.
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